


How to Get a Juggalo Off of Your Ass (Among Other Things)

by epilogues



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Meteorstuck, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), it's not gay if you're wearing socks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27465034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epilogues/pseuds/epilogues
Summary: Karkat decides that faking a moirallegiance with Dave is the perfect way to get Gamzee to leave him alone. There's no possible way that this can go wrong.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 65
Kudos: 191





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO i'm so sorry i haven't posted on here in ages! hopefully this marks the end of that lmao, especially since i'm planning on updating this fic every other friday! :-)
> 
> a quick note about gamzee's characterization in this fic/content surrounding him: listen i lowkey kin him and i love him to death, but i'm giving him the short end of the stick in this fic. i wasn't really sure how to tag it, but the premise of the fic is that he's been lowkey harassing karkat (off-screen) by following + messaging him and stuff because he hasn't quite gotten the memo that they're broken up. he won't be making a direct appearance or anything, but i just wanted to kinda explain all that! 
> 
> happy reading! :-)

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]  


CG: HEY.  
CG: I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.  
GC: C4N 1T W41T  
CG: PREFERABLY, NO.  
CG: AND DO *NOT* TRY TO TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO ON THIS SHIT IDIOT BRAIN FUNGUS ROCK.  
GC: BUT WH4T 1F 1 DO H4V3 SOM3TH1NG 3LS3 TO DO ON TH1S SH1T 1D1OT BR4IN FUNGUS ROCK  
CG: IT’S PROBABLY UNIMPORTANT  
GC: OK4Y YOU GOT M3 TH3R3  
GC: WH4T’S GO1NG ON >:?  
CG: OKAY SO BEFORE I START  
GC: S1GH  
CG: SHUT UP!  
CG: LOOK, I WAS JUST GOING TO ASK YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP FOR FIVE MINUTES WHILE I WRANGLE THIS SITUATION INTO A PILE OF COMPREHENSIBLE TEXT.  
GC: Y34H OK4Y  
GC: H3R3 1LL JUST TURN OFF MY P4LMHUSK FOR 4 F3W HOURS 4ND TH3N 4NSW3R YOU  
GC: HOWS TH4T  
CG: NO!  
CG: THIS IS KIND OF A TIME SENSITIVE MATTER, OKAY?  
CG: I’LL TRY TO BE BRIEF.  
GC: R1GHT  
CG: SHUT UP.  
CG: OKAY, SO IT’S GAMZEE.  
CG: STOP TYPING!!  
CG: THANK YOU.  
CG: SO WE WERE MOIRAILS, RIGHT, AND THEN HE WENT CRAZY AND KILLED EVERYONE.  
CG: NOT GREAT MOIRALLEGIANCE OR LEADERSHIP ON MY PART, I’LL ADMIT, BUT I TOLD MYSELF I’D SAVE THE SELF-FLAGELLATION FOR LATER.  
GC: TH4NK FUCK  
CG: ALTHOUGH WITH THE MOIRALLEGIANCE THING, WE WERE BARELY EVEN SIX SWEEPS! WHAT THE FUCK DID WE EXPECT TO HAPPEN!  
CG: BUT I DIGRESS.  
CG: THE POINT IS THAT WE NEVER ACTUALLY BROKE IT OFF.  
CG: AND NOW HE KEEPS PESTERING ME ABOUT WHEN I WANT TO “mOtHeRfUcKiNg HaNg In AlL uP iN tHe PiLe, BrO”  
CG: FUCK. TYPING LIKE THAT IS THE WORST, ACTUALLY.  
CG: LIKE, I THINK HE MUST HAVE FOUND SOME SOPOR SOMEWHERE? BECAUSE HE SEEMS CHILL ENOUGH, BUT WHO KNOWS HOW LONG THAT’S GOING TO LAST.  
CG: I DID GO TO MEET HIM ONCE, BUT HE SHOWED UP LATE AND HE SMELLED…  
CG: OKAY, I MEAN, HE’S NEVER SMELLED GREAT.  
CG: AND DON’T START, I KNOW METEOR HYGIENE IS… ROUGH.  
GC: FOR YOU  
GC: SOM3 OF US QU1T3 L1K3 TH3 SO4PS K4N4Y4 4ND ROS3 4LCH3M1Z3D >:]  
CG: EATING THEM DOESN’T COUNT!  
CG: BUT GAMZEE SMELLED LIKE SHIT. KIND OF LIKE CORPSES.  
GC: 3W  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: AND I TRIED TO SIT IN THE PILE WITH HIM, BUT I COULDN’T STAND IT.  
CG: AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, IT WAS LIKE THIS GLARING REMINDER THAT I FUCKED UP!  
CG: NOT TO MENTION THAT IT’S PRETTY MUCH FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO “RELAX” AND “BE VULNERABLE” AROUND SOMEONE THAT WENT ON A MURDER SPREE NOT THAT LONG AGO.  
GC: Y34H NO TH4T SUCKS  
GC: TRUST M3 1 H4D L1K3 TWO D4YS WH3R3 1 THOUGHT W3 W3R3 K1ND4 P1TCH  
GC: FUCK NO  
CG: YEAH. EXACTLY.  
CG: WHICH WOULD BE FINE AND WHATEVER IF HE WOULD LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.  
CG: I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY SEEN HIM SINCE, BUT HE KEEPS PESTERING ME WITH ALL OF THIS OMINOUS SHIT AND SCRAPING AROUND IN THE VENTS BY MY BLOCK.  
CG: THANK FUCK I PICKED THE ONE BLOCK WITHOUT AN ACTUAL VENT IN IT, BUT THE FUCKING SURROUND SOUND HORROR ASMR EVERY FUCKING NIGHT ISN’T GREAT.  
GC: 4G41N  
GC: Y34H TH4T SUCKS  
GC: 1’M NOT SUR3 WH4T YOU W4NT M3 TO DO 4BOUT 1T THOUGH  
CG: ME NEITHER, ACTUALLY.  
CG: I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT OFFER DECENT ADVICE WITHOUT FEELING THE NEED TO KNOW EVERY SINGLE DETAIL, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.  
GC: YOU’V3 B33N SP3ND1NG 4 LOT OF T1M3 4ROUND D4V3 L4T3LY, HUH? >:]  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: I GUESS, BUT I WAS TALKING ABOUT ROSE AND KANAYA.  
GC: 1 KNOW  
GC: YOU JUST S41D P3OPL3 1NST34D OF TROLLS >:]  
CG: YEAH, AND?  
GC: >:]  
CG: DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE OR WAS THIS JUST A WASTE OF THE TEDIOUS BULLSHIT WE’VE DECIDED TO CALL TIME ON THIS STUPID ROCK?  
GC: 1 DON’T KNOW  
GC: H4V3 YOU TR13D 4CTU4LLY T3LL1NG H1M TH4T YOUR3 NOT MO1R41LS 4NYMOR3?  
CG: HOLY SHIT, GREAT IDEA, TEREZI!  
CG: THAT NEVER EVEN CROSSED MY TINY FUCKING THINKPAN.  
CG: I’LL JUST GO BREAK UP WITH MY INSANE CLOWN EX,  
CG: AND NO THAT WAS NOT AN INTENTIONAL REFERENCE TO THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT HE CALLS MUSIC,  
CG: AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE FIXED!  
GC: 1 T4K3 1T YOU TR13D TH4T 4LR43DY TH3N  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: HE COMPLETELY IGNORED THE MESSAGES.  
GC: HM  
GC: DO YOU W4NT M3 TO 4SK VR1SK4 TO K1CK H1S 4SS 4G41N?  
GC: 1 COULD 4LSO K1CK H1S 4SS BUT 1 DONT N3C3SS4R1LY W4NT TO SUBJ3CT MY NOS3 TO TH4T  
CG: NO, ACTUALLY, ADD VRISKA TO THE LIST OF PEOPLE I DON’T FUCKING WANT INVOLVED IN THIS.  
CG: TROLLS. WHATEVER.  
GC: YOU SUCK 4T T4K1NG 4DV1C3, YOU KNOW  
CG: WELL, MAYBE YOU JUST SUCK AT GIVING IT!  
GC: N1C3 PHR4S1NG  
CG: SHUT UP.  
GC: H4V3 YOU CONS1D3R3D G3TT1NG 4 N3W MO1R41L?  
CG: WH4T.  
GC: 4 N3W MO1R41L  
GC: G4MZ33S 4 S4CK OF SH1T BUT H3 M1GHT R3SP3CT TH4T 3V3N JUST FOR 4 L1TTL3 B1T  
CG: THAT … MIGHT NOT BE COMPLETELY STUPID.  
CG: BUT IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVE AN ABUNDANCE OF OPTIONS HERE.  
CG: ROSE AND KANAYA ARE MATESPRITS, BUT ROSE IS “HUMAN GAY” AND I DON’T THINK KANAYA AND I WOULD WORK AS MOIRAILS.  
CG: VRISKA IS SO FAR OFF THE NUTRITION PLATEAU SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS, AND BESIDES, I DON’T THINK EVEN YOU AND SHE KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING THERE.  
GC: OR M4YB3 1TS JUST NON3 OF YOUR BUS1N3SS  
CG: SURE.  
CG: OBVIOUSLY, GAMZEE’S THE PROBLEM, THE MAYOR IS THE MAYOR, AND DAVE IS HUMAN.  
CG: AND ALSO HE’S DAVE.  
GC: WH4TS TH3 PROBL3M W1TH D4V3 B31NG HUM4N 4ND 4LSO D4V3?  
GC: 1T S33MS L1K3 THOS3 4R3 M4YB3 BULLSH1T R34SONS YOU M4D3 UP B3C4US3 YOU 31TH3R R34LLY W4NT H1M TO B3 TH3 ONLY OPT1ON OR B3C4US3 YOU R34LLY DONT  
CG: THEY’RE NOT BULLSHIT REASONS!  
CG: IN CASE YOU FORGOT, HUMANS DON’T HAVE QUADRANTS. DAVE COULDN’T UNDERSTAND A MOIRALLEGIANCE IF IT SLAPPED HIM ACROSS THE FACE.  
CG: AND AGAIN: HE’S DAVE.  
CG: I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S HUMAN ALLERGIC TO SINCERITY, WHICH IS KIND OF THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF MOIRALLEGIANCE.  
CG: ALSO, I WOULDN’T WANT TO BE MOIRAILS WITH HIM.  
GC: R1GHT  
GC: W3LL 1 DO H4V3 SOM3TH1NG 3LS3 TO DO  
GC: BUT H4V3 YOU CONS1D3R3D JUST F4K1NG 4 MO1R4LL3G14NC3?  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
GC: M4K3 G4MZ33 TH1NK YOU H4V3 4 N3W MO1R41L 3V3N 1F YOU DONT  
GC: 1TLL LOOK TH3 S4M3 TO H1M 31TH3R W4Y 1F YOU DONT FUCK 1T UP  
GC: 4ND TH3N YOU JUST H4V3 TO K33P 1T UP UNT1L H3 G1V3S UP OR UNT1L W3 G3T TO TH3 N3W S3SS1ON >:]  
CG: THAT’S THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THING I’VE EVER HEARD.  
CG: IT MIGHT WORK.  
GC: GR34T  
GC: TH3 4M4Z1NG S33R OF M1ND STR1K3S 4G41IN >:]  
GC: 4LSO STOP TRY1NG TO TYP3 OUT 4 W4Y TO 4SK M3 1F 1LL DO 1T B3C4US3 TH3 4NSW3R 1S NO  
CG: I WASN’T BUT FINE.  
CG: THANKS, TEREZI.  
CG: HAVE FUN DOING WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU’RE DOING, I GUESS.  
GC: TH4NKS  
GC: GOOD LUCK  
GC: 1D1OT  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  


The minute Karkat closes out the chat window with a huff, he’s greeted by the _ping!_ of a new message. And then another. And then another, and great, Dave’s been probably rapping aimlessly into his inbox. Again. 

Karkat jabs the mute button on his husktop and opens up his and Dave’s conversation. Honestly, whatever bullshit he’s been spewing will probably be a welcome respite from the thoughts currently racing in Karkat’s head. Sure, faking a moirallegiance would probably get Gamzee off of his ass, but there’s no one on the stupid rock that’s an option. Ugh. He wishes he hadn’t told Terezi it was good advice, but - no, no, he’s getting his mind off of it and diving into whatever fresh hell Dave has left for him.

TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat ignorin me  
TG: lack of messages just borin me  
TG: hes online but no response  
TG: got the window closed  
TG: thinks hes safe ensconced  
TG: but he doesnt know about the fires behind his door  
TG: heating up the knob like stop and drop to the floor  
TG: hey karkat did you guys have like  
TG: fire safety  
TG: stop drop and roll  
TG: stop drop and die? cull?  
TG: fuck if i know  
TG: honestly i bet you didnt even have a fire department  
TG: just let those big robot dudes or whatever take care of it  
TG: OH SHIT  
TG: OH SHIT KARKAT  
TG: CAN TOWN DOESNT HAVE A FIRE STATION  
TG: shit man what if something happens  
TG: like what if a cat gets stuck in a tree  
TG: i never understood why the fire department got called for that actually  
TG: like excuse me someones place of residence is on fucking fire  
TG: guess dave strider was dropping some bars nearby  
TG: “oh shit dude lemme go fix that”  
TG: cue sirens and lights and the whole thing  
TG: oh hey also someones cat got stuck up in a tree  
TG: dumbass cat  
TG: “oh shit this is gonna receive the exact same priority”  
TG: wait do you think its just because of the big ladders  
TG: or whatever the fuck yall call them i tried to think of something but ive got nothing  
TG: yeah no that makes sense though  
TG: i guess not that many people just have giant fuckin ladders  
TG: would it be annoying to say that funny mystery line again  
TG: yeah probably  
TG: just call me dave comma sherlock  
TG: puttin my last name first so i can rhyme it with cock  
TG: yeah you know this is how we like to rock  
TG: shit this sucks  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: come to can town we need a fire station and also an art museum  
CG: WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?  
TG: oh shit hes here  
TG: places everybody  
TG: one two three surprise!  
CG: WHAT.  
TG: its like a surprise party dude keep up  
TG: wait actually that kinda feels like roleplay nvm  
TG: anyway come meet me in can town  
CG: DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO BE AN INSUFFERABLE BULGEWIPE WHEN I GET THERE?  
TG: no promises dude you know the policy  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHY I TALK TO YOU.  
CG: FINE.  
CG: BE THERE IN FIVE.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


The look - okay, no, look is a generous word when Dave is involved. The microexpression Dave gives Karkat when he enters tells him that it probably hasn’t been “five.” Karkat glares at him before he even has a chance to open his mouth. “Don’t fucking tell me how many seconds I’m ‘late’ by,” he snaps. “What are you working on?”

Dave mumbles something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like the number of seconds he’s decided Karkat was late by, then nods towards the giant pile of cans to his left. “The fire station,” he says. “It’s over that way, I’m just getting some more tomatoes because they have red labels and it just works, y’know?”

“Okay,” Karkat says, graciously deciding not to press the fucking issue of Dave being, despite Karkat’s request, an insufferable bulgewipe. “What the fuck is a fire station?” 

“Oh my god, dude, it’s like - on civilized planets-”

“Fuck you-”

“We had firefighters, and they basically just hung out in fire stations until a fire happened and then they went to put it out. Or rescued cats in trees.” 

Karkat blinks. In the half a “year” they’ve been on the meteor with the humans, he’s learned that questioning shit about Earth really just is not worth his fucking time, especially since he’s almost certain that Dave has never once told him anything true. “Right. And it has to be red because it’s fire-themed or some shit?”

Dave shrugs and scoops up an armful of tomato cans. “I dunno, actually. Just how it was.” He turns away and starts carrying the cans towards the back of the town, floating just far enough off of the ground for Karkat to notice, the asshole. Karkat rolls his eyes and grabs a bunch of the same cans before following.

“Where’s the mayor?”

“Shit, what is this, interrogation hour?” Dave says. He unceremoniously dumps all of his cans on the ground in front of one of the tallest structures Karkat’s seen here - it’s not done, but the doorway is tall enough that Karkat could walk inside if he crouched just a bit. “He’s alchemizing more cans, I showed him how.”

“Huh. Cool.”

“Yep,” Dave says. “So, uh, I started the basic frame for it? Like the doorway and the walls, but since it’s so fuckin’ tall I thought it might be good to double up the walls before we add a roof or anything, so…” He ducks under the doorway and plops down inside of the walls, reaching one arm out to pull some cans toward himself. 

“That’s not a shit plan, actually,” Karkat admits. He’s begrudgingly impressed in a way he really needs to stop being surprised by. For a human and despite Karkat’s early impressions, Dave is smart, like, really smart. He’s also a dumbass, but that’s beside the point. 

Taking a deep breath and not thinking about how small the space between the walls is, Karkat crawls inside. He sits down facing away from Dave and folds his legs, and he doesn’t think about how this might be the closest he and Dave have ever been. Not that that matters, they’re … yeah, okay, they’re friends now, even if Dave is a shithead, and it’s not like it’s weird for friends to sit close together while they’re finishing a can building. That’s, like, level one friend shit. 

Yeah. Karkat’s totally chill with this. Dave, on the other hand, despite being the one that invited Karkat to Can Town in the first place, seems tense. His breathing sounds too even to be anything but measured, and when Karkat reaches up to place a can and brushes Dave’s shoulder with his elbow, Dave jerks away before Karkat can decide whether to apologize, ignore it, or give him shit for it. 

Karkat half-turns to look at Dave. He’s about to dive in for the ‘give him shit’ option, but something about Dave’s posture stops him. “Uh, sorry,” he says instead, awkwardly. 

“‘S cool,” Dave says, too quickly for it to be true. “I should’ve made it bigger in here, honestly, but I didn’t want it to be, like, half the fuckin’ town.” 

Karkat stares at him for another moment before turning back around when Dave reaches for another can. “I don’t think the proportions of fucking Can Town matter all that much, but okay.” 

Dave mutters something that sounds suspiciously like, _I don’t think the proportions of fucking Can Town matter all that much, but okay_ under his breath. Karkat rolls his eyes but goes back to stacking cans without another word. It’s kind of a routine they have at this point, being dicks to each other but stopping before it gets close to any of the blow-out fight territory they kept finding themselves in early on, where Karkat would start yelling and Dave would disappear for a few days, and it’s a pretty stupid routine, as they go, but it works. 

Karkat half-watches Dave as they keep stacking cans, as Dave ducks out to grab more from the Mayor and comes back, as Dave jumps every single time their elbows or shoulders bump. He’s trying not to think about his conversation with Terezi, or how if he does take her advice, Dave really is his only option. But how the fuck would Dave make a convincing fake moirail if he can’t even handle accidental contact like this? Not that he’d agree if Karkat ever fucking asked him, of course. Karkat’s pretty sure that even pretend vulnerability would send Dave running, which… okay, it would be hypocritical of him to judge that, sure, but _still._

They work in silence for a while longer. Karkat finishes his wall and sits for a moment, unsure of whether he wants to go back to his respiteblock or revel in the fact of actually being around someone else, when Dave says, “Shit, I think that’s it.” He’s out of the small structure before Karkat can even turn around to answer him, standing up and obnoxiously floating a few inches off of the ground as he stretches. “Dude, this looks epic.”

Karkat slowly scoots out into the bright fluorescent lights of the room and turns to look up at the fire station. It’s… actually kind of epic. “Your side of the wall looks crooked,” he says.

Dave ignores him. “I don’t even know how we’re going to top this one, actually, like what else is there left to do? I mean, we have a shit load of time, duh, but we’re gonna end up having -”

Suddenly, there’s a faint scraping noise. Karkat freezes, his eyes darting up towards the vent in the corner of the room, right by the ceiling. “Shh,” he whispers. Shit, is Gamzee here? The fucking creep hasn’t ever come into Can Town while Karkat’s been here with Dave before, and he really doesn’t want to have to deal with his ex _or_ Dave after seeing his ex right now. Goddamnit.

“What?” Dave asks. He lands back up on the ground and follows Karkat’s gaze up to the vent. “Oh, dude, I think you just heard the Mayor. Can Town is legally a juggalo-free zone.”

Karkat narrows his eyes - he’s pretty sure he knows what his shitty excuse for an ex-moirail sounds like, thank you very much - but can’t help the way his expression softens as soon as he sees the Mayor, entering the room with another handful of tomato cans. Whatever sound he heard has been replaced by silence now, anyway, so he sighs. “Just forget it.”

“Right,” Dave says. Karkat can’t see through his stupid shades, obviously, but he has a feeling that Dave is giving him a stupid, capital-l Look. Dave gives him a lot of stupid, capital-l Looks. 

It’s more than a little infuriating, which, despite the fact that the entire Gamzee situation is a pretty good excuse for anything at this point, makes it all the more inexplicable that Karkat does what he does next. What he does next is, first, a ton of justification. He’s getting desperate about the Gamzee thing, okay, and waiting around for a perfect solution is only going to let it get worse. Also, Dave, annoying as he is sometimes, has somehow become Karkat’s closest friend right now. And he’s the most likely person to be willing to sweep any possible awkwardness completely under the rug. So, justification done, bloodpusher doing something strange in his chest, Karkat clears his throat, louder than he strictly has to, looks up at Dave, and decides that his first last resort is better than nothing. “Uh, can I ask you a favor?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be up on 11/27! :-)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pov switch, woohoo! (i'm planning on having them alternate chapter by chapter from here on out) anyway. i finished hiveswap act 2 today and i'm this close to writing fic about it oh god oh fuck

Dave drops the capital-L Look he was giving Karkat through his shades and shrugs noncommittally. “Sure, dude, what’s up? Just got a hankerin’ for the Dave favors, oh, fuck, the _Davors_ , if you will, shit, that’s good, remind me to-”

“Dave,” Karkat interrupts. He looks he already regrets opening his mouth, and his expression is more than a little hilarious. God, no offense to John, but he’s probably the funniest person Dave’s been around, no matter how unintentional it is on his part. Not that he’d ever say as much, but you know.

“Yeah, no, that kinda sucked,” Dave admits. He hops up off the ground again, flipping in midair so that he’s hanging upside down in front of Karkat. Being a god has its perks sometimes, even though he’s going to regret letting all of the blood rush to his face like this in a minute. “Seriously, though, what do you want? Although I did technically just do you one favor by shutting up about the Davors thing, so you might need to step your request game up a bit, like-”

“It’s Gamzee,” Karkat interrupts. 

Dave’s about to make a stupid joke when he actually looks down at Karkat’s face. Karkat looks … serious, not in his funny “I’m serious about this so I’m going to yell about it really loudly and with lots of colorful metaphors” way but in a way Dave’s only seen once or twice. Oh shit, bro sincerity corner, here they come. It’s really not Dave’s favorite place to be, especially since his and Karkat’s friendship is entirely built on being light-hearted dicks to each other. But then again, they _have_ been friends for nearly a year now, so Dave decides that he can be serious for roughly two minutes. That’s just Bro Code, honestly.

Dave flips himself upright again and settles down onto the ground, folding his legs criss-cross applesauce in midair in a smooth movement he’s more proud of than he probably should be. He turns over his shoulder and says, “Hey, Mayor, I think we’re all good on tomatoes, do you think you could get some more green bean cans for the school?”

The Mayor nods - god, why is everything he does adorable and also just the best -, drops the armful of red cans he was carrying onto the floor, and disappears. Dave turns back to Karkat. “Okay, Gamzee,” he says. “Clown murder guy. You need me to kill him or something?”

The moment Dave hears the words leave his mouth, he’s surprised by them, or rather, by the fact that he means them. It’s not that he wants to do a whole eye for an eye thing with the clown, like, really, if there’s a way to solve this through more stock market swindling, then that’s the route that Dave wants to take. But - he’d do it. Again, Bro Code. 

Karkat’s scratchy voice brings him back to the moment. “What the fuck? No, no, I don’t - don’t kill anybody. That’s the last thing this stupid fucking rock needs. I just… fuck, this is going to sound weird.”

Dave tries his best to look like he’s genuinely listening without changing either his facial expression or posture. He’s pretty sure he pulls it off. “Dude, if you think weird is going to be a deal-breaker on me listening to you, I really don’t know what to tell you.”

“Yeah, fair point,” Karkat grouses. He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up even more than it already was, and huffs out a sigh. “Okay, so it’s - we were moirails, right. But obviously I fucked up my part of that deal by letting him go crazy and kill people in the first place, but hindsight or whatever, the point is that I’m obviously not going to be moirails with him anymore. It was unhealthy for both of us and blah, blah, you get the point.”

Dave nods. He tries not to admit it, but he does actually know enough about troll culture and - ugh - quadrants to follow what Karkat’s saying. “Okay,” he says. 

“The thing is, though,” Karkat says. He’s entered a level two Vantas rant, as Dave calls them, now, his hands joining the fray and waving around with his words. “I’m pretty sure that asshole hasn’t gotten the fucking clue that I’m, you know, obviously not going to be moirails with him anymore. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve obviously tried to tell him that that’s not what’s fucking happening, but he either can’t listen to me because his thinkpan is rotting from all of the sopor or he just won’t listen to me because he’s, again, an asshole.”

“That is a pretty asshole move,” Dave says. 

“I know!” Karkat exclaims. He takes a deep breath, like he’s gearing up for the next phase of his argument, before letting it all out in a big sigh. His shoulders slump, and he suddenly looks… small, swallowed up by his baggy sweater, and tired. Dave shifts awkwardly. He has a feeling that they’re really hurtling rapidly towards sincerity corner now, which is not exactly where he wanted to go when he invited Karkat to Can Town this morning, But he stays quiet. “I don’t know,” Karkat says. “I don’t just want to be an outright bulgewipe to him or anything, I mean, it’s not his fucking fault that he’s the way he is, mostly, but I also need him to get the hint that I’ve moved the fuck on, because I can’t just… deal with him all the time.”

“Yeah, no, that makes sense,” Dave says, holding back his immediate wince. _Yeah, no, that makes sense?_ Could he sound any stupider? At least it doesn’t seem like Karkat’s paying too much attention to what Dave’s saying; he’s just staring down at the floor, looking pretty lost in thought. “Uh, I mean, that sucks, obviously, but I’m not really seeing where I come in?” 

Karkat sighs again, then drops his face into his hands. “This is horrible,” he says, the sound muffled, “but you’re my best friend?” 

Dave is abruptly glad that Karkat is looking down, because it means there’s no chance of him seeing the slight flush in Dave’s cheeks. It’s not like it’s a surprise or anything that they’re best bros, it’s just… nice to hear it, in a weird and uncomfortable way. “Right.”

“And, uh,” Karkat continues, “well, basically - and this was Terezi’s idea, so take it with a grain of flavored rock, but we - her and me - thought he might leave me alone if I got a new moirail. Or a fake new moirail.”

“Oh,” Dave says. “I’m guessing you’re not, like, considering Terezi as an option.”

Karkat lifts his head from his hands and snorts. “Yeah, no. I’m not fucking stupid. Uh. I mean, moirallegiance isn’t, I mean, obviously it’s romantic, it’s a fucking quadrant, but it’s not-”

“It’s the pale one, right?” Dave interrupts. “The, like, you don’t fuck or anything but you just kinda hang out and cuddle and talk about your feelings, and there’s piles?”

Karkat blinks. He looks surprised by the fact that Dave didn’t get it blatantly wrong or immediately shoot down quadrant talk - shit, there went his ability to play dumb to get out of Karkat’s pseudo-lectures on romcoms. Shit. “Uh, yeah,” Karkat says. “Obviously, it’s a little more complicated than that, but for the purposes of a fake one fabricated entirely to get my asshole ex off my back, yeah, it’s the ‘hang out and cuddle and talk about your feelings and there’s piles’ one. Sure.” 

“Boo-yeah,” Dave says. “Weird alien not-sex knowlege.”

Karkat doesn’t even dignify that one with an eyeroll, which, yeah, okay, fair. “So, that’s the favor, I guess. I know it’s fucking weird, but believe me when I say that I wouldn’t be asking this if it wasn’t a last resort.”

“Right,” Dave says, then pauses. Shit. He doesn’t actually know what to say. Obviously, Karkat’s his best bro, and he’s all for, like, giving the finger to asshole juggalo ex-friend with really weird benefits. It’s just… “Isn’t that kinda gay?” Dave blurts. “I mean, like, duh, but. Y’know.” 

Karkat scowls. “We’re on a space rock, Dave, human gay isn’t a fucking thing anymore.”

Dave would beg to differ on that front, actually, since he’s a human and so is Rose and Rose is, like, textbook human gay, but he also thinks he might get real, actual hives if this conversation stays sincere for another second. Look. Fuck it. They’re on a space rock, Dave can do Karkat a favor. The only one who has to know is - ew - Gamzee, and what’s it going to take, like, one cuddle sesh? Easy fuckin’ peasy, not to mention straight as a ruler, or whatever. Yeah. 

“Well, you’re gonna wear socks, right?” Dave asks. 

“What?”

Dave shakes his head. “Y’know, it’s not gay if you’re wearing socks.” 

“What the fuck are you even talking about it? Human gay doesn’t fucking exist!” Karkat says. “And what the fuck do strutpod warmers have to do with anything?” 

“I’m saying I’m in,” Dave says, before he can think about it too hard. 

Karkat doesn’t _beam_ or any cheesy shit like that, but he smiles. The sight does something funny to Dave’s stomach that he decides he’s better off not acknowledging. “Fuck, thank you,” he says. 

“You’re gonna owe me big time after this,” Dave warns, and Karkat’s grateful smile slips back into his usual Resting Bitch Face. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he says, waving his hand at Dave. “Okay, so, uh, when?”

Dave blinks. “Can we not - I thought you meant now,” he says.

“How the fuck would we _now_?” Karkat says. He pauses, like he’s reflecting on how stupid that sentence sounded, then folds his arms again and moves on. “The most important part is setting up a pile, idiot, and unless lying on a bunch of cans is your idea of comfort, it’s going to take me a bit to set one up.” 

“Okay, that’s cool,” Dave says. Yeah, that’s cool. Having more time to think about this before it happens can only be a good thing, really. “How long’s a bit?”

Karkat shrugs, kind of like he didn’t expect to get this far. “Uh, I could probably have it set up tomorrow? Where do you want me to put it? My block doesn’t have any vents and I’m guessing you don’t want me all up in your shit.”

“Yeah, nah,” Dave says. “I don’t know if there’s room in here, either, uh, how about that room off of the common room? No one really goes in there, it’s all empty, like, shit, do you think it’s haunted? Wait. Bad question, this whole fuckin’ rock is definitely haunted, but anyway, I think there are a couple vents up on the walls in there.”

“That should work,” Karkat agrees. “Uh. Thanks for agreeing to do this.”

“Don’t thank me yet, dude, gotta get Gamzee to see the fuckin’ Oscar winning performance I’m gonna bring, like, I’m gonna be becoming translucent with how pale I am, like, shit, you can see right through that guy except not through the way that he’s pretending to do this thing, that’s why I’m translucent instead of straight up transparent, see, I’ve got this shit on lock.”

“Right,” Karkat says slowly. “Okay, well, I’m going to go - set that up, I guess. I’ll message you when it’s done.”

“Sounds good,” Dave says. “Let’s make this shit happen, bro.”

He holds his arm out for a fistbump, which Karkat gives him without complaint. Fuck yeah. From there, leaving is a little awkward, since Dave doesn’t want Karkat to think he’s just running or anything, and Karkat seems more anxious than he did before asking, but eventually, they say their goodbyes to each other and the Mayor, and Dave heads back to his room. 

He’s… chill with the situation, mostly. Sure, it feels weird to have scheduled a cuddle date with Karkat, but Dave’s also in the middle of a reality-altering video game. Weird is pretty fucking relative. And besides, it’s not like it’s gay or anything, since it’s literally just pretend. Yeah. It’s totally cool. 

Without really thinking about it, Dave flops onto his bed and pulls his phone out of his pocket.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


TG: hey  
TT: Hello.  
TG: damn that was fast  
TG: were you just waiting for me to message you  
TG: gotta have your daily dose of cool  
TG: i hate this actually forget all of that  
TG: hey  
TT: I have to ask, have you ever created a doomed timeline by going back in time to prevent yourself from making a really bad slip, Freudian or otherwise?  
TG: nah  
TG: i mean if i did that the number of dead daves would just be absolutely absurd  
TG: like im not gonna pretend im not stumbling ass backwards into shit constantly  
TG: not worth the effort  
TT: Fair.  
TT: Why did you pester me?  
TG: because were friends for one  
TG: also because im bored  
TT: I see.  
TT: Are you and Karkat done with Can Town for the day?  
TG: yeah we just finished the fire station its dope as fuck  
TG: you should go check it out tomorrow  
TT: Perhaps I will.  
TT: I have plans with Kanaya tomorrow, but I’m sure I can find the time to drop by, if you don’t mind me intruding on your precious “bro time.”  
TG: i mean bro time is sacred but nah youre good  
TG: also can i just say its impressive that yall still manage to make stuff that could be called “plans”  
TG: as opposed to just like  
TG: doing shit because time is fake as shit on this meteor  
TG: i mean obviously time isnt fake  
TG: duh  
TG: but you know what i mean  
TT: I find it helps to break up the lack of time here to schedule things.  
TT: Also, I suppose Kanaya and I are still early enough in our relationship that semi-official dates are still novel and exciting.  
TG: ok thats fair  
TG: so yall are still doing the like  
TG: matesprit thing  
TT: Well, yes.  
TT: At risk of sounding cheesy or, god forbid, cliche, we’re planning on doing the “matesprit thing” for a while. Phrasing semi-intended.  
TT: I’ll save you the trouble of unpacking your flippant discussion of our relationship, since I’m pretty sure we’ve had that conversation a few times over.  
TG: yeah no i know  
TG: im not trying to be like dismissive or anything  
TG: im just a flippant kinda dude  
TG: cool kid things yk  
TT: Right.  
TG: ok weird question  
TT: Oh, boy.  
TG: not that weird dont get excited  
TG: what do you know about moirallegiance  
TT: I’m surprised that you’re asking me, as opposed to, you know, any of our troll companions.  
TT: Especially considering that Karkat has established himself as the expert on quadrantal romance.  
TG: well i dont want an entire lecture  
TG: not that youre concise or anything  
TG: but you know  
TT: That’s a very fair point.  
TT: Well, I suppose I have a decent amount of knowledge.  
TT: Kanaya and I use the word “matesprits,” although there are certainly aspects of our relationship that border on, if not simply are, pale.  
TT: The pacification aspect of the relationship is less important to us, at least in our current situation.  
TT: I’m sure she would be the one to stop me if it appeared I was going to go grimdark again.  
TT: However, the emotional and physical vulnerability is certainly something we engage in.  
TT: Again, I feel that a troll would be a better source on this. I’m sure it means something slightly different to her, if that makes sense.  
TT: But I think vulnerability is an important part of the definition regardless.  
TT: Why are you asking?  
TG: just trying to be culturally aware  
TT: I’d like to call bullshit.  
TG: thatll be 500 dollars please  
TG: bullshits expensive  
TT: Was that a mangled Wheel of Fortune reference or just nothing?  
TG: i dont know actually  
TG: lets go with the wheel i love that shit  
TT: Sure.  
TT: I’ll let you have your subject change.  
TG: thanks  
TT: If there’s nothing else you need, though, I was planning on sleeping at a reasonable time tonight.  
TG: again  
TG: time is fake  
TG: but thats cool  
TG: goodnight  
TT: Goodnight.  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


Dave is about to put his phone down and try to fall asleep when he gets another notification. Fuck, he hopes it’s not Rose. Like, she obviously knows something is up, but either she’s too tired to get on his ass about it right now or she’s reached a point of just not caring about his internal issues or whatever, but - well. Either way, it doesn’t matter right now, apparently, because the message is from Karkat.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


CG: HEY.  
CG: SO I HAVE A PILE MOSTLY SET UP.  
CG: WHEN DO YOU WANT TO MEET UP TOMORROW?  
TG: damn dude that was fast  
TG: fake moirallegiance speedrunner over here  
CG: WOULD YOU RATHER THAT I KEEP GETTING HARASSED BY GAMZEE FOR A LITTLE FUCKING LONGER?  
CG: BECAUSE I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT YOU’RE ALONE IN THAT SENTIMENT.  
CG: WORDS CAN’T DESCRIBE HOW SICK I AM OF THIS SHIT.  
TG: yeah i kinda got that  
TG: uhhhh lets see  
TG: i dont know why everybodys all jazzed about timely engagements tonight like  
TG: were on a space rock with no night and day  
CG: IF YOU HAVE SOME OTHER WAY OF ENSURING THAT WE ACTUALLY MEET SOMEWHERE AT THE SAME TIME BY SOME OTHER FORCE THAN THE MYSTICAL FUCKING WHIMS OF COINCIDENCE, PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME.  
TG: i mean  
TG: theres texting  
TG: but time works too i guess i mean it obviously works for me so  
TG: how does one sound  
CG: SURE.  
CG: SEE YOU THEN.  
CG: PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME REGRET ASKING YOU FOR THIS.  
TG: dude im gonna be the best fake moirail  
TG: just you wait  
TG: im gonna tell you all about my puppet trauma and all the other shit rose keeps insisting i have  
TG: maybe ill even flip out so you can pacify me  
TG: like i said dude this is gonna be oscar-winning  
CG: IT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS HOW YOU’RE ALREADY MANAGING TO DO THE ONE THING I ASKED YOU NOT TO DO.  
CG: SEE YOU TOMORROW, BULGEWIPE.  
TG: you sure show gratitude in a weird way  
CG: OH, I’M SORRY.  
CG: WOULD YOU RATHER I PROSTRATE MYSELF AT YOUR FEET AND GIVE YOU MY UNDYING THANKS LIKE SOME FUCKING EMPRESS-OBSESSED, SELF-FLAGELLATING WIGGLER?  
TG: as hilarious as that sounds  
TG: no  
CG: EXACTLY.  
CG: BUT STILL. THANKS.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! the next chapter will be up on 12/11 :-)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone that's read + commented so far, i really appreciate your feedback!! <3

Karkat is at the pile exactly ten minutes early the next day. Look, he’s just being punctual, okay? He’s showing respect for Dave’s time, since, as much as he hates to admit it, Dave is more than kind of doing him a huge favor with this. So now he just… has to wait. Okay, that’s fine, this is his fault, and there are probably a billion things he can do to pass the time. Right. 

For starters, he decides to double check the pile. It’s not like Dave will know if it’s, like, _bad_ or anything, and it’s not like it would matter if it was, but Karkat would rather not get premature back issues or some equally stupid shit from this. It’s a pretty standard pile, as they go, just a mishmash of cushions and ugly pillows from the couch across the room. Karkat had briefly considered tossing in a sweater of his, more for his comfort than anything else, but decided against it. It’s not like Dave has any knowledge of pile etiquette and significance, but it would feel weird. Or at least, weirder than it’s already going to be by nature of the situation.

Karkat pinches the bridge of his nose, sighs, and straightens a cushion with the tip of his shoe.Okay, the pile is good, on to step two, which is to freak out about the situation! Karkat’s trying not to, especially since, you know, he fucking orchestrated it with all of the idiocy of some cullbait wiggler, but it’s a losing game. 

He and Dave are best friends. That’s somehow an immutable fact at this point, and it’s somehow one that Karkat really, really doesn’t want to change. He’s not stupid. He’s seen enough romcoms to know that fake relationships don’t usually end with a handshake and a “great, glad that worked out and solved my ex problem, thanks so much!” but hey, this is real life. They probably won’t end up hating each other for life in the least romantic sense possible because of any number of possible awkward situations or newfound hang-ups or crossed boundaries or even just the fact that Karkat smells kinda rank up close because, you know, meteor hygiene. 

Whatever. That last point is irrelevant, because Dave also falls into the “kinda rank” category. It doesn’t matter, and actually, none of this does. Freaking out isn’t going to do anything but make Karkat just that much more likely to start genuinely fucking dumping his feelings on Dave and shit, he’s cycled right back to freak out reason number two.

Freak out number two is even more embarrassing than reason one, which is really fucking saying something, but - there it is. It can best be summed up by the fact that Karkat is, contrary to somehow popular belief, a pretty self-aware guy, which means that he’s aware that he misses Gamzee. Sober, pre-murder Gamzee, that is. And he misses being moirails with Gamzee for a lot of probably-selfish reasons that don’t need to be spelled out for the purpose of preserving what little dignity he has left but ultimately add up to the fact that his stupid thinkpan is probably going to latch onto a pretend moirallegiance like some disgusting, tentacled, face-hugging monstrosity. 

But Karkat can cross that elevated pathway when he gets to it, especially since a quick glance at his watch reveals that there’s only two minutes before Dave is supposed to arrive. Right. Time to … not be freaking out. 

He runs his hands through his hair, then winces because there’s not any sort of reflective pane anywhere nearby, so there’s no way for him to tell if he looks like an idiot. Not that it matters if he looks like an idiot in front of Dave, because pots and kettles or whatever, but it’s the principle of the thing. It’ll make it look a lot less sincere if Dave is making fun of him, and shit, right, the whole appearances part of this, which is to say the entire fucking reason that they’re doing this.

Karkat takes a deep breath and looks up at the ceiling out of the corner of his eye. There are two vents in the room, one on each facing wall, both with a perfect view of the pile. He hasn’t heard anything all morning, but he hopes to fuck that’ll change soon. The faster this whole debacle is over with, the better.

Karkat glances at his watch again. 1:00. Where the fuck is Dave? Him being late is pretty much the most out of character thing possible, with the exception of when it’s to one of Vriska’s “strategy” meetings, and fuck, he probably bailed or got accosted by Terezi in the hallway and is currently complaining to her about stupid Karkat is or just completely fucking forgot and now it’s 1:01 and -

“Hey.” 

Karkat whips around to face the source of the noise, which is slouching against the doorway like an absolute douchebag. Dave lifts a hand in an unnecessary greeting. 

“Why the fuck are you late?” Karkat snaps. 

“Dude, chill, it was one minute,” Dave says. He pushes off of the wall and steps into the room, tugging the door shut behind himself. “But, uh, sorry. I didn’t mean to, I just - I was debating whether to bring this? But I figured better safe than sorry.” 

Karkat folds his arms and glares at the… thing Dave is holding under his arm. Whatever it is is garishly patterned, eye-searingly neon and somehow horribly pixelated despite appearing to be a blanket. “What the everloving fuck is that and why did you bring it?” 

Dave shakes it out, taking the corners in both hands and holding it up for Karkat to see in its full whatever-the-opposite-of-glory-is. It’s, of course, covered with an amalgamation of god knows how many SBaHJ panels. “Uh, it’s a blanket? For the pile. Like, if that’s cool, I mean, I just figured it would be, like, more authentic or whatever if we both contributed.” 

“You-” Freak out number three has arrived, apparently, because - surprise, surprise, Karkat should’ve fucking known that something like this would happen - Dave doesn’t know a lot about moirallegiance or Alternian culture and therefore doesn’t know that people _both contributing_ to a pile is a capital-t, big deal, shows all sorts of commitment and other sappy shit, Thing. “Uh. That thing is a strong contender for the most hideous thing I’ve ever had the misfortune of laying my ganderbulbs on, and you’ve seen some of the assholes I hang out with.” 

Dave snorts, turning the blanket at an angle so that he can look at it too. “I know, right? It was hella easy to alchemize and it was only, like, two of the little blue grists? Guess SBURB recognizes when art’s gotta be made, dude, but, uh, do you want to toss it into this whole clusterfuck collapsed fort situation we got going on here or is that, like, some sort of rookie pale mistake?”

Dave is literally giving Karkat an out on a silver fucking nutrition disk. He can just say it’s a “rookie pale mistake,” because it genuinely kind of is, and they can move the fuck on with their lives. It’s simple, problem solved, box checked, iron removed from the fire and set gently on the ground to cool. So Karkat really doesn’t know why the fuck he says, “No, it’s fine. Toss it on.” 

Dave does, and - _What the fuck was that, idiot?_ Karkat’s thinkpan immediately yells. He… doesn’t have an answer. It just looks soft, beyond everything else that it looks like, and it’s not like Dave has to know that it means anything. Hell, it _doesn’t_ even mean anything. Karkat is probably the only troll on this entire stupid rock to have _Pillows and Paps: A Guide To Structural and Emotional Integrity in Moirallegiances_ memorized, which means that pile composition can officially be a lost fucking art. What the hell. If Dave wants to throw a blanket into the mix, there’s a blanket there now. The world won’t - okay, well, the world did sort of end, but that’s beside the point. 

“So are we, like, doing this? Making it happen, you know, shit, that one is actually a really good parallel to this? Damn. But anyway, like, how do we… start?” 

“Uh,” Karkat says eloquently. Look, it’s not like he didn’t think about it while he was setting the pile up last night or the entire time he was trying to fall asleep or anything, he just… didn’t actually think about the fact that he’d actually have to do it. Now. With Dave staring at him, poker face genuinely unreadable for once, just waiting for Karkat to tell him how they’re going to fake cuddle. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. This was definitely a great plan. 

Dave arches an eyebrow. “This was your plan, dude, you know the fuckin’ intricate rituals better than me.” 

“I know, I know,” Karkat snaps. “I was just trying to figure out how I’m going to stomach having your fucking breath directed at me and in my general proximity, since it’s painfully reminiscent of some of the less fresh things my lusus dragged in.” 

“Again - this was your plan. Also, you literally eat something called grubsauce every morning, you really don’t have any room to talk.” 

“Have you ever even - nevermind. Never fucking mind. I’m going to sit down, you can just - also sit down.”

True to his word, Karkat sits down. Well. Sit implies that it’s much more of a controlled motion than it actually is; a better description would be something along the lines of a wobbly almost-fall. It doesn’t matter. His ass is on a couch cushion, and that’s the important thing here. 

Karkat casts a quick glance up at one of the vents. He can’t see anything, but that doesn’t really mean much. Precedent has proven that Gamzee can be surprisingly stealthy when he wants to be or at literally any other given moment, and you know what? Karkat is done thinking about this. 

The only problem is that not thinking about Gamzee means that Karkat pretty much has to think about Dave, specifically the way that Dave is still hovering above him. “This isn’t going to work if you just stand there,” Karkat says. 

“I know, Jesus fuck,” Dave mutters. “I was just trying to savor the last bits of my dignity, and also let you enjoy the last few moments of your life not overtaken by my cool kid charms, if those didn’t already pass months ago.” 

“Ha ha, very funny,” Karkat says dryly. 

Dave flips him off but then sits down in a much more graceful motion than Karkat did. Fucking cool kids. “Shit, this is actually kinda comfy,” Dave says, placing his hands behind his head and stretching out like he’s actively trying to be as much of a tool as possible. “Ten outta ten for pile construction, bro.” 

“Thanks,” Karkat says, then mentally kicks himself. _Thanks?_ It was obviously a fucking joke, god. If he’s going to get worked up over a fake, stupid compliment, this is going to be…. rough. “Okay, so - if we want this to work, you can’t act like you’re going to get some horrible alien disease if we touch.” 

“Hey, the Karkat cooties are a real concern,” Dave says, but - huh. His cheeks are red in a way Karkat doesn’t think he’s ever seen before. “What, though, do you want me to just, like, sweep you into my arms?” 

“I thought you’d never ask,” Karkat grumbles. It’s sarcastic, obviously, but then Dave _does_ , sorta. Or at least, he throws his arm around Karkat’s shoulder and scoots so that there’s only an inch of space between them instead of a foot. 

He’s warm, through the fabric of his pajamas and even through the little remaining space, probably as warm as Karkat, and his hand is hovering just above Karkat’s shoulder, like it’s afraid to touch down. Karkat inhales, exhales, and doesn’t think about how the last person that touched him like this was Gamzee. 

Okay. This is better, but it’s still not as convincing as it could be. Slowly, Karkat tilts his head and tucks it into the space between Dave’s jaw and shoulder. It’s not a typical troll thing to do, since horns and necks aren’t usually a great combo, but Karkat figures that his horns barely count and besides, this seemed… nice, when he saw it in human movies.

Dave jumps almost immediately, the hand hovering above Karkat’s shoulder lifting a full inch away. “Uh, we’re just, going for it, huh,” he says. “Snug like some bugs in a rug.”

“Something like that,” Karkat snaps, instead of the much more eloquent he had in mind, because apparently his thinkpan has decided to stop worrying about words and devote all of its energy to focusing on the feeling of Dave’s hand as it lowers all the way down onto Karkat’s shoulder and squeezes, gently. “Uh. Is this okay?”

“Hey, you still have socks on, right?” Dave asks. 

“Yes, I have socks on, moron. Is this human “straight” enough for you now?” 

“Oh, yeah, this is just - totally hetero, dude. Just two bros cuddling, nothing to see here, move along, everyone but the clown, I guess.”

Karkat groans. “Do you ever hear yourself talk, idiot?”

“I mean, yeah,” Dave says, “all the time. What, are you just now realizing how amazing it is? People are always telling me I give it out too easy, like, I should be rationing all this twenty-four fuckin’ karat shit. Saving it for the fuckin’ Biblical-ass droughts and whatnot, you know how it is.” 

“How many times do I have to - nevermind. Never fucking mind,” Karkat grumbles. He takes a deep breath, wondering when the fuck his bloodpusher-rate skyrocketed. It’s not even pounding in the way it does when he gets angry, because even he’ll admit that that’s, like, a solid 80% of the time. It’s pounding like it was when he first landed on his planet, like when Terezi told him that she knew about his blood color, and he doesn’t like it. “My arm’s going to fall asleep in two seconds like this, hang on.” 

Look, in Karkat’s defense, his arm _is_ going to fall asleep in about two seconds, considering that it’s currently stuck between his and Dave’s torsos. He just… fixes it in a really stupid way, which is to lean over so that his head is resting on Dave’s chest and his legs are curled up under himself. The arm that Dave had slung over his shoulder falls down so that it’s resting all the way across Karkat’s side, and… look, it’s not news that Karkat is touch-starved. He knows this very fucking well. It’s perfectly reasonable for him to be kind of freaking out about this, really, as long as he doesn’t, like, broadcast that fact to Dave. 

As Karkat gets settled, Dave stiffens. He relaxes a moment later, or at least tries to, but Karkat is pressed way too close to him to not notice. God fucking damnit, this was such a bad idea in so many ways. “Uh,” Dave says, “just diving right on in, huh?” 

“Like I said last night, would you rather I get harassed by my ex for a little longer?” Karkat retorts, dropping the second half of the sentence into a whisper at the last second. “Fuck. This isn’t going to be convincing if we’re just arguing the whole time.” 

Dave snorts a little at that. “Do you really expect me to believe that you weren’t just, like, arguing with him the whole time y’all were doing this?” 

“If you had any knowledge of romance like you claim to, then you would,” Karkat says. He moves to lift his arm up and wave it around before realizing that it’s half caught under Dave’s arm, and he kind of doesn’t want to move it. Thank you, shit idiot touch-starved thinkpan. “Sure, Gamzee and I probably got closer to black vacillation than any pale couple strictly should, but we never got all the way there.” 

“Black’s the, like, hate sex one, right?”

“In the most simple human terms possible, sure. Well. I mean, it’s really more about rivalry and pushing yourself and your kismesis to be better, but I _guess_ you could reduce it to “hate sex.” Which is kind of why we never fully vacillated, I think, because I would never get anywhere near concupiscent with that asshole.” 

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Dave says. He tenses up again for a moment, then sighs. “I can’t believe you ever even let yourself get within six feet of him, like, he smells rancid, dude. And I’m sitting here with you, so you know my limits are, like, hard to fuckin’ reach.” 

“Yeah, whatever,” Karkat grumbles. “Look, this is getting dangerously close to something resembling a deformed husk of a feelings jam, and I’m not fucking going there with you. Contrary to popular belief, I’m still trying desperately to hang onto the tattered remains of my dignity.” 

“Oh, shit, speaking of, did you tell anyone about this?” 

“How stupid do you think I am?” Karkat asks. “Don’t answer that. No, I didn’t tell anyone, that would be beyond idiotic on so many levels.” 

Dave laughs a little and, probably without realizing, shifts his arm so it’s wrapped almost completely around Karkat. Karkat closes his eyes for a second, then mentally kicks himself. Dave was just shifting, Jesus Christ, he’s not trying to _hold_ Karkat or any bullshit like that. “Okay, good, me neither,” he says. “I’m sure Rose would have a fuckin’ field day with this, so - no.” 

“Good,” Karkat says, and then, for one of the first times in their friendship, Dave lets him have the last word. A weird quiet falls, broken only by the measured sound of Dave’s breathing, and Karkat lets himself close his eyes. It’s… fine. This is fine. Sure, it’s weird, because he and Dave are friends and friends don’t normally sit in a pile and cuddle - _And they don’t almost start actually treating each other like a moirail_ , Karkat’s thinkpan unhelpfully reminds him - but it’s _fine_. 

After what feels like hours but also no time at all, Dave clears his throat softly. “Uh, my legs are both dead asleep, dude.” 

Karkat blinks his eyes open and does his best to scowl up at Dave. “Why didn’t you move them, idiot?” 

He feels more than sees Dave’s shrug. “I thought you might’ve been asleep, I didn’t wanna wake you.”

“You - oh,” Karkat says. “I wasn’t, but… thanks.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Dave says awkwardly. “But, uh, do you think he, like - saw? God, I hate thinking about that.” 

Karkat glances up at one of the vents, which is dark and still as ever. “I didn’t hear anything, but let’s hope, I guess,” he says.

“Yeah,” Dave says again. He pauses for a moment, then lifts his arm up and away from Karkat. “Well, I’m going to head out then, but, uh, like you said. Let’s hope it worked.”

“Yeah,” Karkat says. He sits up so that Dave can actually get up, opening his mouth to make some sort of contingency plan in the event that it didn’t, in fact, work, but Dave is gone before he can form the words. Well. That’s not a surprise, it’s not like Karkat thought Dave would like spending time pressed up against him or whatever. And it’s not like _Karkat_ liked spending time pressed up against Dave, Jesus Christ. 

Karkat looks up at the vent one more time. It remains dark and still, and Karkat sighs before heading back to his block.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading! the next chapter will be up on christmas! (hopefully. the holiday season gets a little crazy for me, but i'll post any updates about the date on tumblr @gamebro1990mix)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a longer one today, enjoy! (and merry christmas if you celebrate!!!)

Up until the moment that Karkat messages him the next day, Dave does, in his humble opinion, a fucking fantastic job of not thinking about it. Honestly, there’s not really an _it_ to not think of. He did his best bro a favor, and now he can go back to spending his time mixing, alchemizing random shit, and basically killing time. Back to business.

At least, that lasts up until the moment that Karkat messages him. Dave’s tapping some vague ideas for lyrics into the notes on his phone when the Pesterchum notification comes in, and he clicks on it before even reading the name. When he sees the gray text, his stomach does something … weird, feeling like it’s flipped a little. Which is probably just because now that he thinks about it, he hasn’t eaten in a few hours. Yeah, that’s probably it, he’ll just get something to eat after seeing whatever it is that Karkat wants.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


CG: HEY.  
CG: DON’T TRY TO PRETEND YOU’RE NOT ONLINE, I CAN VERY OBVIOUSLY SEE THAT YOU’RE HERE.  
TG: why would i pretend im not online  
TG: im not like rose i dont feel the need to constantly keep my status on private like a mysterious tool  
TG: and its not like im ignoring you im pretty sure  
TG: i say im pretty sure because i guess theres always the chance that youve done something incredibly fucked up and i dont know about it yet  
TG: like maybe  
TG: and god forbid like im fucking slamming into this wood here to make sure this never happens  
TG: going fucking ham on both this wood and the innuendo because im committed now  
TG: but maybe you accidentally knocked a can onto the mayor  
TG: and you know im basically going to kick your shit  
CG: NO, I DIDN’T KNOCK A CAN ONTO THE MAYOR. HE’S PERFECTLY FINE.  
CG: WELL. AS FAR AS I KNOW. I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY BEEN TO CAN TOWN TODAY.  
CG: I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT SOME SPACE AFTER YESTERDAY.  
TG: nah dude i pretty much already forgot about that if im being honest  
TG: i got a lot of cool dude things to keep track of you know  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: WELL, UNFORTUNATELY FOR BOTH OF US, I’M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO REMEMBER.  
TG: why  
CG: UH.  
CG: THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID, BUT GAMZEE DIDN’T SEE.  
CG: AT LEAST, I’M PRETTY SURE HE DIDN’T?  
CG: I JUST BLOCKED HIM - AGAIN - BECAUSE HE STARTED TROLLING ME ASKING WHEN WE WERE GOING TO “gEt AlL uP iN tHe HoRn PiLe My GoOd MoIbRo”  
CG: PURPLED FOR ABSOLUTE FUCKING ASSHOLE.  
TG: ahaha  
TG: like sorry i know that sucks and we can deal with it in a minute i guess  
TG: but “moibro” is the best fucking thing ive ever read  
TG: do you guys actually say that  
CG: NO. GAMZEE JUST SUCKS IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.  
TG: look you keep saying that  
TG: ive only talked to the guy a couple times but damn im rethinking this whole dislike thing i had going for him  
TG: hes clearly a man of wit  
TG: which come on i knew that like we actually rapped together a while back  
TG: but you know how it goes  
TG: sometimes genius is right in front of your face but you just ignore it like the idiot you are  
TG: fuckin “moibros”  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?  
CG: IT’S NOWHERE NEAR THAT FUNNY. IT’S NOT FUNNY AT ALL.  
TG: okay yeah youre kinda right dont really know what was up with that  
TG: i dont really know whats up with me today actually i think i might be coming down with some bizarre meteor sickness  
TG: is that a thing  
CG: I DON’T KNOW!  
CG: IT PROBABLY IS FOR YOUR WEAK HUMAN JOKE OF AN IMMUNE SYSTEM.  
TG: right  
TG: anyway though that does suck  
TG: the gamzee thing  
TG: im not lamenting my immune system anymore thats not worth the effort  
TG: if you still want me to go like  
TG: take him out or whatever  
TG: thats still on the table i guess  
CG: WHAT? NO, I DON’T WANT YOU TO KILL HIM.  
CG: IF WE GET ONE MORE CORPSE ON THIS STUPID FUCKING ROCK, I’M GOING TO FLIP MY SHIT SO HARD IT’S GOING TO MAKE EVERY OTHER TIME I FLIPPED MY SHIT LOOK LIKE A FUN WIGGLING DAY PARTY FOR IDIOTS.  
TG: nice  
TG: and okay thats chill i didnt really want to do murder but you know  
TG: bro code  
CG: WELL. SPEAKING OF.  
CG: I FIGURED IT MIGHT BE EASIER TO JUST TRY AGAIN?  
CG: THE FAKE MOIRALLEGIANCE THING, I MEAN. WE COULD GO HANG OUT AND SEE IF HE ACTUALLY GETS HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS LIKELY-DEFORMED NOOK AND NOTICES THIS TIME.  
TG: okay yeah thats cool  
TG: easier than murder at the very least  
TG: when  
CG: HM, LET ME CHECK MY BUSY “FLOATING ON A GIANT ROCK THROUGH THE VOID OF SPACE FOR SWEEPS” SCHEDULE.  
CG: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! I’M FREE ALL FUCKING DAY.  
TG: look dont come for me you get busy sometimes  
TG: dont you have that color-coded movie calendar or did you finally let terezi take that  
CG: NO, I JUST MOVED IT TO MY BLOCK.  
CG: ALSO I FINISHED IT.  
TG: holy shit dude there were like  
TG: a lot of movies on there  
CG: YEAH, AGAIN, LET ME OH-SO-KINDLY ASK YOU TO REFER TO MY BUSY METEOR SCHEDULE.  
CG: (HERE’S WHERE I’D SEND A HILARIOUS ATTACHMENT WITH A PICTURE OF SAID SCHEDULE IF ANY OF THAT WAS WORTH THE EFFORT.)  
TG: aw cmon dude commit to the bit  
CG: FINE!  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent file [HERE.jpg]  


TG: ahaha thats so good  
TG: not your best work since reusing old material isnt that great  
TG: but pretty good  
TG: an improvement from your shipping chart at the very least  
CG: SHUT UP.  
CG: WHEN ARE YOU FREE?  
TG: i mean now works if youre that desperate for the hashtag strider times  
TG: same place as last time  
TG: ?  
CG: NO, I’M GOING TO RELOCATE THE ENTIRE FUCKING PILE.  
CG: YES, THE SAME PLACE AS LAST TIME. SEE YOU IN A MINUTE.  
TG: cool  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


Dave drops his phone onto his desk and grabs his shades, putting them on before heading down the hall. There’s a part of him that feels like he should be, like, getting ready or something, at least finding some way to make sure that he doesn’t look completely stupid, but 1) he figures he should probably be on time today, after Karkat reacted to him being a little late yesterday, and 2) Karkat has seen him pretty much at all hours, and the dude has absolutely no room to judge Dave for his appearance. It’s fine, is the point, it’s all just totally chill. 

Karkat is already in the room when Dave floats through the doorway. He drops the couple of inches back down onto the ground before Karkat can even cast a pointed scowl or snarky comment at his feet and lifts up his hand in a wave that he immediately feels stupid for. “Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” Karkat says. “Uh, do you want to just - the same thing as yesterday?” 

“Okay, first off, that was definitely not a sentence,” Dave says, “and second off, sure.” 

He flops down onto - into? He doesn’t know the proper grammar for this shit but there’s no way he’s dealing with the lecture he’d get if he asked - the pile first this time, half-curling up on his side and trying for his best ironic _Draw me like one of your French girls_ pose. 

Karkat’s ever-present scowl twitches into something almost like an amused smile. Fuck yeah, score. “Do you actively try to look that stupid or does it just come naturally?” 

“I don’t know, you’re the expert,” Dave says. 

Karkat slowly sits down on the pile as well. This time, his arm falls around Dave’s shoulders, almost like the movement is natural, and he tugs Dave just a bit closer to him. “Your lusus is the expert,” he grumbles. 

Dave snorts but doesn’t reply. He shifts his weight a bit so that he’s not, like, _entirely_ pressed up against Karkat, because boundaries and shit. He can still feel Karkat’s chest rise and fall as he breathes, though, and Dave makes a conscious decision to make sure that his doesn’t sync up, because socks or not, he’s pretty sure that’s firmly in the category of gay. And the venn diagram of “Dave Strider” and “gay” isn’t actually a venn diagram at all, just two circles, billions of miles apart like two planets in a galaxy where flat Earthers are right. 

“Hey, weird question,” Dave starts.

“Oh, god,” Karkat says, but he lets Dave continue.

“Did Alternia have, like, flat Earthers? Well, I guess they wouldn’t be flat Earthers, ‘cause, y’know, it didn’t exist yet, flat Alterniers? Trolls that thought your planet was flat.” 

From this angle, Dave can’t see the way Karkat wrinkles his nose, but he knows it happens. “No? That’d be so fucking stupid, especially since we literally all were supposed to go off-planet, meaning that we knew what our own fucking planet looked like.” 

“Okay, but we had people go to, like, the moon and shit, and we still had flat Earthers. I think my bro might’ve kind of been one, actually? Like, he had the subreddit bookmarked. But he also could’ve just left that open on his computer to fuck with me, I really could never tell with that dude.” 

As Dave talks, Karkat shifts a bit. It’s a little disconcerting, just - being so close to someone like this. It’s weird to think about, but Dave genuinely can’t remember ever doing anything like this with anyone. He doesn’t hate it like he thought he would, kind of to his own surprise, but it makes his stomach twist in on itself and his heart pick up a bit, which is double embarrassing, because, you know, Karkat can almost definitely feel that sorta thing. 

But he didn’t say anything about yesterday, and he’s not saying anything about it today, which all boils down to a whole lot of justification for Dave tossing his arm over Karkat’s torso, pulling him less than an inch closer, as Karkat replies. 

“Dave. How many fucking times do I have to tell you that you can’t just say Earth human words and expect me to have any idea what you’re saying? I try and be socially-fucking-conscious and not spend my every interaction blabbering about troll concepts that your pathetic thinkpan could never hope to comprehend, but do you even consider attempting to extend the same courtesy? Absolutely fucking not.” 

Dave laughs a little. Karkat’s rants are, as a general rule, peak comedy, but witnessing them up close like this is a whole new level. Dave can feel how tense he is along every point of contact between them, his fingers tapping on Dave’s shoulder instead of gesticulating wildly like normal, and he’s pretty sure that Karkat is making an - mostly pointless, but you know - effort to keep his voice a few decibels lower than usual. It’d be something like sweet, if the flat, circular planets of Dave Strider and homosexuality were anything but the polar opposites that they were or if Dave was the kinda guy to describe things as sweet at any point in time. 

“Dude, you literally just said thinkpan, c’mon.” 

“Because I know you know what it means!” Karkat exclaims. This time, his hand does actually come off of Dave’s shoulder - achieving lifdoff, if you will - and a weird sort of jolt goes through Dave when it comes back down. Well. To be fair, he can’t quite tell whether the jolt is because of Karkat’s hand or the door to the room swinging open. 

Terezi is inside before either Dave or Karkat can react. Before he really knows what he’s doing, Dave yanks his arm back to his own side and tries to slide out from under Karkat’s arm. It works for a second, but then the stupid plushy pile has him sliding right back, and based on the cackling from the doorway, it’s too late.

“I wasn’t expecting to find both of you in here,” Terezi says. Her grin is more than a little terrifying in the way that Dave has mostly grown accustomed to. Mostly. “What’s going on? It smells delicious - and maybe a little pale?”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Karkat groans. He sits halfway up, but his arm stays around Dave’s shoulders. “Look-”

“Aw, am I intruding on something private? A common room really wasn’t the best place for this, you know.” 

“I know!” Karkat snaps. His voice drops to something that might approximate a whisper if he wasn’t Karkat Vantas. “Look, we’re - you know how I told you about that shit with Gamzee? And you suggested a way to fix it?” 

“So you got yourself a moirail?” Terezi asks. She’s still grinning like this is the funniest thing she’s ever seen, and Dave feels a little nauseous. Which is stupid, because he really has no reason to. He’s just doing Karkat a favor, they were just arguing about cultural differences and other stupid bullshit like they pretty much always do. The weird thing is just that, for some reason, how far Dave and Karkat are from anything that could be called “pale” or any other quadrant word, really, is the same amount of distance Dave is from the handle at the moment, which is to say _pretty fucking far._

“A fake one,” Karkat hisses, still making a bold attempt at whispering. “So if you could go find somewhere else to be weird and kind of gross, that’d be great.” 

“Wow, what a great insult, you really got me,” Terezi says dryly. “But fine. Have fun being _totally pale._ ” 

She turns her gaze up to one of the vents by the ceiling and adds, “I just winked, by the way,” before turning around and disappearing back down the hallway. She leaves the door partially open when she goes. 

“Ugh,” Karkat groans, then lies back down and turns to Dave, his forehead creased with something that would look like concern if exasperation wasn’t an much more obvious explanation. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you shut up for that long before, are you good?” 

“Uh,” Dave says, “yeah, why?”

Okay, well, maybe that’s a bit of a lie. He doesn’t know why, but his heart feels like it’s going to hammer out of his chest and he still feels a little nauseous. It doesn’t make sense, especially since it’s just Terezi and because he and Karkat are literally just faking everything, but that doesn’t make it not be a thing that’s happening. 

Karkat doesn’t look convinced. “Are you sure? If you want to talk about, I mean, this is kind of -” 

“Dude, this isn’t real, remember?” Dave interrupts. “Unless you somehow forgot in the past two seconds.”

“No, I know it’s not fucking real,” Karkat snaps. He sits up, finally letting go of Dave’s shoulder so that he can cross his arms in front of his chest. “Forgive me for just trying to be a decent friend.” 

“C’mon, don’t be like that,” Dave says, crossing his arms as well. Distantly, he’s aware that he’s the one being “like that,” but he can’t bring himself to care. His fingers are tapping at his elbows, the nausea in his gut shifting to adrenaline and telling him he needs to just get out of this situation as soon as possible. “I just don’t want to talk about my fuckin’ feelings like some gay little kid, okay? Jesus.” 

“I don’t get what your fragile human sexuality has to do with this, but thanks for, like always, insulting my entire culture,” Karkat says. Even though they argue all the time, his voice sounds genuinely irritated this time, and it twists something in Dave’s ribcage. 

“Hypocrite,” Dave mutters, then sighs. “Look, sorry, I wasn’t trying to, like, start shit? I’m just gonna - head out, if that’s cool. Hopefully the clown came by earlier.” 

Karkat stares at him for a moment, his gaze uncharacteristically unreadable. “Fine,” he finally says. “See you later.” 

“Yeah,” Dave says. He stands up from the pile and leaves the room, letting himself float just enough off the ground that he doesn’t have to worry about the way his legs are suddenly shaking, what the fuck. 

He’s mostly calmed down by the time he gets back to his room and flops down on the bed, phone in hand. He’s… fine, really, he probably just - ate something weird earlier? Even though he hasn’t really eaten today, oops, but he’s pretty sure that’s just a god tier thing. Who fucking knows. Maybe he was right when he suggested weird meteor sickness earlier; he’s pretty sure humans need, like, the sun and shit. Something like that.

Dave pushes his hands under his shades and rubs at his eyes for a moment before opening Pesterchum.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]  


TG: hey  
GC: H3LLO D4V3 >:]  
GC: HOW W4S YOUR T1M3 1N TH3 P1L3? 1T SM3LL3D V3RY COZY  
TG: pretty good  
TG: i mean karkats kinda rancid just in general but you know  
TG: for a fake moiwhatever i guess hes alright  
TG: hopefully that stupid clown will get off his ass now  
GC: 1 GU3SS W3LL JUST H4V3 TO W41T 4ND S33  
GC: OR YOU W1LL  
GC: 1 W1LL W41T 4ND SM3LL  
TG: haha yeah youre blind and cool with it  
TG: got it  
TG: anyway though could you do me a solid  
GC: P3RH4PS  
GC: WH4T WOULD YOU L1K3 M3 TO DO >:?  
TG: not tell rose about like  
TG: the whole thing  
TG: with karkat i mean  
TG: not that its a thing but you know what im saying  
TG: shell probably just be annoying about it and i dont feel like dealing with that  
GC: TH4T 1S 4 V3RY BOR1NG SOL1D D4V3  
GC: 4LSO TOO L4T3  
TG: aw shit what do you mean  
GC: 1 4LR43DY TOLD H3R!!  
GC: 1TS NOT L1K3 TH3R3 4R3 4 LOT OF CONV3RS4T1ON4L TOP1CS 4ROUND H3R3  
GC: 1 4LSO 4LR34DY TOLD VR1SK4 BUT SH3 S4YS SH3 DO3SNT C4R3 1F TH4T H3LPS  
TG: thats  
TG: actually kind of a relief cool  
TG: but also dammit terezi  
GC: 4SK SOON3R N3XT T1M3!!  
TG: fuck  
GC: WH4T  
TG: rose is pestering me  
TG: talk later  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]  


tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  


TT: Hello, Dave.  
TT: I was going to beat around the bush to see you try not to stumble directly into it, but I figured that might waste a bit too much time.  
TT: I’ve just heard some very interesting news from Terezi.  
TG: oh yeah the new coffee machine vriska alchemized yesterday  
TG: shits crazy i know  
TG: like wow it makes coffee and mugs how ingenious and not totally stupid  
TG: this meteors gonna be fuckin lousy with mugs in like a week  
TT: About you and Karkat.  
TT: Which, I must say, offers a nice sense of context to our previous conversation about moirallegiance.  
TG: oh that  
TG: yeah i mean its basically nothing  
TT: What do you mean?  
TG: can we not turn this into a pseudo therapy thing  
TG: im just doing him a favor  
TT: How so?  
TG: basically gamzee wont get off his ass because he thinks theyre still pale bros or whatever  
TG: so were pretending to be moirails until gamzee sees and realizes that karkats not into him anymore  
TT: Did you consider the possibility that Gamzee has seen and just doesn’t or won’t care?  
TG: karkats plan not mine  
TG: bro code says you go along with your bros plans when he asks for a favor so  
TG: yeah  
TT: Interesting.  
TG: i mean not really  
TG: i still think the coffee machine is the happening news  
TT: It is quite a marvel of technology.  
TT: Though I do suspect that you’ll be proven right about the mug overpopulation.  
TT: Perhaps you could add them to Can Town?  
TG: well shit rose its not mug town  
TG: although i suppose beverage receptacle town is pretty funny  
TG: ill run it by the mayor tomorrow  
TG: get his take  
TT: Excellent.  
TT: If you’ll forgive me for pulling you back to my metaphorical couch, are you actually alright with everything that’s going on?  
TT: Terezi says you seemed off when she stopped in earlier.  
TG: ok since when has terezi been a good judge of like  
TG: anything  
TT: Pretty much as long as we’ve known here, John-murder aside, I think.  
TT: Judging things is more than kind of her whole thing, as it were.  
TG: well yeah but you know what i mean  
TG: nah im cool with it like why wouldnt i be  
TG: which sounds like the sorta thing someone not cool with it would say  
TG: but coincidentally its also the sorta thing someone cool with it would say  
TG: and thats what i am so im saying it  
TT: Right.  
TG: i mean like  
TG: its really not that weird or anything  
TG: im just helping him out  
TG: its practically engraved in bro code that when your bro is being basically haunted by a juggalo you do everything you can to help him out  
TG: you know  
TT: Dave, if you’re asking me to confirm that this is the “right” thing to do, I’m not going to.  
TT: I do think it’s a strong gesture of friendship, but if you’re searching for permission to do this, I’m not the one to give it to you.  
TG: what  
TG: im not “searching for permission”  
TG: im already doing it and also im in charge of what i do  
TT: I know.  
TT: Well, before I go, you should probably know that Gamzee was rattling around in the vents over the main common room the entire time that I was showing Kanaya _Edward Scissorhands_ today, so I doubt that your plan worked.  
TG: well shit  
TG: thanks for letting me know though  
TT: Of course.  
TT: I wish you and Karkat the best of luck, which I think I might be uniquely qualified to do as a god of Light.  
TG: doesnt luck not matter  
TT: Perhaps.  
TT: I think that’s a characteristically cryptic statement to end on, so I’ll talk to you later.  
TG: ok bye  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


With the weird adrenaline gone from his body, Dave suddenly finds himself exhausted. He’s about to take a nap, but on impulse, he opens one more chat.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  


TG: hey  
TG: i just wanted to say sorry for being an asshole earlier  
TG: i think the weird meteor sickness or something got me  
TG: also according to rose gamzee was hanging out over the other common room today but we can still hold out hope right  
TG: anyway talk later  
TG: wait one more thing  
TG: dont let me forget to ask the mayor about his thoughts on adding mugs to can town  
TG: shits important  
CG: OKAY.  
CG: AND IT’S OKAY.  
CG: THE BEING AN ASSHOLE THING, I MEAN.  
CG: TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I GET IT.  
TG: yeah no you dont have to prove that to me dude  
CG: DO YOU WANT TO TRY AGAIN TOMORROW IF GAMZEE REALLY DIDN’T SEE?  
TG: sure  
TG: same time?  
CG: SURE.  
CG: SEE YOU THEN.  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading! chapter five should be up on 1/8 :-)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you haven't seen chicken run/don't remember the pie machine scene, uh. consider watching this before reading the chapter? it'll make sense without it but you know. 
> 
> cw for this chapter: there's a brief discussion of bro being a shitty guardian (details in the end notes)
> 
> enjoy!

The thing about the _Thing_ from there on out is that, somehow, for lack of better phrasing, it keeps happening. It flat out refuses to stop from keep happening, because, apparently, Gamzee flat out refuses to be in the right place at the right time for an entire perigee. Karkat’s not entirely sure how Dave feels about it, although he can’t quite say that’s not for lack of trying. Trying to get a read on Dave’s emotions at any time is neither easy nor particularly conducive to Dave talking to him, and Karkat has a feeling that if he tries to see how Dave feels about the _Thing_ , it’ll lead to a repeat of whatever the fuck happened the day they got interrupted by Terezi.

That had been… weird. It’s on the list of things that Karkat tries not to think about too much, which is unfortunately a completely circle-shaped venn diagram with the things that he’s always thinking about. It was just, for lack of a better word, weird, and not even in the way that Karkat can usually brush off as alien bullshit. 

Obviously, Dave’s flimsy excuse of “meteor sickness” held absolutely no water or any other liquid, but that doesn’t mean that Karkat’s gotten any closer to figuring out what really happened. He knows that he wasn’t entirely in the right, considering that he snapped at Dave when Dave was clearly uncomfortable for some stupid fucking human reason, but he couldn’t help it. Snapping is kind of his whole deal, and besides, as far as Karkat’s concerned, it’s not completely fucking unreasonable to talk to a friend about his feelings.

But of course, that train of thought inevitably leads Karkat to the next item on his list of things he _swears_ he tries not to think about, which is Dave and the fact that he’s Karkat’s friend. Obviously, they’re, as Dave puts it, “best bros.” That hasn’t been up for debate for almost as long as they’ve been on the meteor, somehow. They meet up in Can Town almost every day and build for hours, sometimes talking, sometimes not, they eat meals together and make fun of each other’s food choices, they get into stupid debates in the halls until Rose and Kanaya not-so-politely ask them to shut the fuck up, and at least once every other day, they sit down in a pile that really can’t be preceded by any pronoun but “their” and cuddle. For the most part, it’s pretty standard best bro shit.

Except for the fact that Karkat is an idiot who falls into every romantic trope ever, of course, which means that Karkat is…. well. He has some sort of crush on Dave. That he can’t deny anymore, despite many, many attempts to do so, but he hasn’t been able to figure out what quadrant his stupid, stupid feelings actually fit into. 

Sometimes, when they’re sitting in the pile, limbs intertwined and Dave sitting quietly for once in his life, Karkat feels so pale for him that it almost hurts. But then two seconds later, Dave will stretch and his stupid god tier pajamas will ride up just enough to show his hips, and Karkat’s bloodpusher will start pounding like it belongs to a flush crush novel protagonist. He knows, logically, that quadrant vacillation happens, but come _on_. It just makes everything that much harder to figure out. 

Although, in some ways, Karkat supposes that’s a bit of blessing. Not being able to figure out how he feels about Dave means he doesn’t have to try, right? Hypothetically, he’s free to shove whatever’s going on his clearly defective thinkpan into a tiny box and toss it out into the depths of space that they’re traveling through. 

Unfortunately, because paradox space and Dave Strider both seem to hate him, that remains a hypothetical. Whatever’s going on in his clearly defective thinkpan, to put it less than concisely, flat out refuses to leave him alone at any given moment - including the current one. 

The current moment is one that seems to have happened a million times over the past perigee. (Okay, sure, it’s been more like thirty, since it’s a daily occurrence, but you get the idea.) Karkat is curled up in the pile in the spare common room and trying not to take too much comfort from the way Dave’s arms are wrapped around him or the kind of funny sensation of Dave’s chin bumping against the top of Karkat’s head as he talks about a topic Karkat tried to follow but completely lost about ten minutes ago. 

“Wait, wait, wait,” Karkat says, holding up a hand and doing his best to shut down his internal monologue. “What the fuck did you just say?” 

“Bold of you to assume that I have any idea what’s coming out of my mouth,” Dave says, “but judging from my expert Karkat-attention detecting skills, you spaced out when I started talking about the nightmares I had about the pie machine in _Chicken Run_ , which, I mean, understandable, but I’m back on the actual plot summary now and this shit’s important.” 

Karkat closes his eyes and considers just going back to his internal monologue. “Okay, wait, you’re telling me about this human children’s cluckbeast movie because….?” 

“I need to you to help me alchemize it,” Dave says, like it’s obvious. “I’ve tried, and like, I’m not saying the shit I made wasn’t great, but I feel like I need someone else that at least understands the plot, if not the Marxist nuance, and, shit, I sound like Rose, don’t I?” 

“A little bit, yeah. It’s kind of disconcerting to hear you pretend to be an intellectual.” 

Dave huffs, but the way that he shifts his weight with the sound just pulls Karkat closer into his chest. Karkat tells himself that it’s unintentional, because really, who the fuck is his idiot thinkpan trying to kid here? It’s not like Dave _wants_ to be here cuddling with him, especially when Karkat can’t even be bothered to listen to what he’s saying. “Pretend, my ass,” Dave mutters. “But anyway, god, _Chicken Run_ really was the unappreciated masterpiece of its time, huh.” 

“Yeah, it sure sounds like it,” Karkat says.

“Oh, shut up, you didn’t even hear most of that,” Dave retorts. “Which, okay, I’ll admit, about half of that was almost definitely bullshit? If I’m being honest, I don’t remember the fuckin’ movie too well beyond the pie machine, mostly ‘cause I only saw it the once when I was like five or something.” 

Karkat turns from lying on his back to his side so that he can half look up at Dave. Not that it does much what with Dave’s shades and all, but it’s the thought that counts, or something like that. “Why didn’t you ever watch it again if it was such a ‘masterpiece?’ And know that I put enclosure talons around masterpiece, I just don’t feel like putting in the effort of actually making them.” 

“Right,” Dave says. “Well, like, I was six, so it’s not like I knew it was a masterpiece, and also, I wasn’t joking about those pie machine nightmares. One of ‘em got me pretty bad right after I watched it, and my bro didn’t really appreciate me waking him up at one am screaming about fuckin’ gravy pressure, so he cut the disc in half with one of his swords and told me the evil was defeated or some shit like that, then to get the fuck back to bed if I wanted to, you know, watch movies again.”

“Dave, that’s-” Karkat starts, but Dave keeps going.

“In retrospect, it’s actually pretty funny that that was the thing that scared me? Like, how old did I say I was? Five? Yeah, I think that’s it, and I mean, Bro had shit like _Saw_ or whatever on pretty much every night as long as I can remember, so, like, the pie machine thing was kinda wack. But maybe it was just the claymation, I dunno if anyone ever did that here, or on Alternia I mean, but something about the way their faces and shit moved was just not right, and-”

“ _Dave_ ,” Karkat interrupts, sitting up and turning so that he can actually face Dave. The regret he feels for having to move out of Dave’s arms is almost immediately swallowed up by the concern starting to tug at him. “Are you okay? You’re shaking.” 

Dave stops and looks down at his hand, which is in fact shaking, just a bit. “Huh,” he says. “Weird. Is it cold in here to you?” 

“No? I mean, not any more so than this stupid rock usually is,” Karkat says. “But here, take your stupid blanket or something.” 

Karkat reaches behind himself to tug Dave’s ugly SBAHJ blanket out from under some pillows and tosses it over Dave. He knows that Dave’s not actually cold, he wasn’t hatched yesterday and he knows from being told _several_ times that god tier pajamas “are basically perfect for any temperature, it’s kind of weird, actually.” But he also knows that Dave will shut down if he doesn’t approach whatever’s going on from the side, and Karkat really doesn’t want him to shut down. 

“Uh,” Karkat says, “no offense, but that sounds like bullshit. Not the cold thing, the whole slicing the movie in half thing.”

Dave shrugs as he pulls the blanket around himself. It makes him look a little stupid, because it’s impossibly shitty, but it also makes him look pathetic in the most pitiable way possible. “I guess? I mean, I get it, I wouldn’t want some snot-nosed little asshole waking me up in the middle of the night because he thought he was going to get buried in vegetables or whatever.” 

“Then why would he show you horror movies?” Karkat points out.

“You know, training,” Dave says, then, “I dunno. I guess that wasn’t, like, great of him. Most of his training kinda felt like bullshit, if I’m being honest.” 

“No shit,” Karkat says, then winces to himself. _No shit?_ What the fuck kind of response is that? The one time that Dave is being something like vulnerable with him, literally like a scene out of the pale fantasies Karkat only lets himself indulge in late, late at night, and he says, _No shit?_ Jesus fucking Christ.

But - Dave laughs. Well, strictly speaking, it’s more of just an exhale, but Karkat knows him well enough by now to know what it means. “Yeah, I guess it’s probably, like, easier to see it when you weren’t, like, in it, you know? Like a Magic Eye poster or some shit.”

There’s a pause. Karkat wishes he could take Dave’s shades off to see where the fuck he’s looking, but before he can do something stupid like ask if he can, Dave inhales unsteadily. “Uh,” he starts, in the way that Karkat just knows means that he’s going to either deflect or disappear. Karkat reaches out and grabs his hand before he can do either.

“Hey, you know you can feel emotions, right, dipshit?” Karkat says. “Like, no one’s going to judge you, especially not me.”

“I know, I know,” Dave says, but his voice isn’t confident like it usually is. It’s shaky and quiet and almost sounds like he’s about to cry, and Karkat is so fucking pale for him that he almost can’t stand it.

Slowly, he reaches a hand up and rests it on Dave’s cheek, then drags it down slowly. He knows, logically, that humans don’t do shit like this and that this probably goes beyond the bounds of a strictly pretend moirallegiance, but he can’t _not_ do it. And to Karkat’s shock, Dave lets him. In fact, he almost leans into the touch, his shoulders rising and then falling as he takes a deep, shaky breath. 

“You know, I think he probably would’ve killed me if he saw me this close with a guy, socks or not,” Dave says, after a moment. 

Karkat resists the urge to call him an idiot, because that doesn’t seem like the best option at the moment even though Dave’s joking around, and settles for, “I… get it, sort of. I mean, I would’ve gotten killed if practically fucking anyone saw me.” 

“Shit’s fucked up,” Dave says, and Karkat genuinely can’t tell if the waver in his voice is because he’s laughing or crying or both. “ _We’re_ fucked up, huh?” 

“Just a little bit,” Karkat says, and, whoa, when did his throat get tight? The hand he’s not still gently petting Dave with is still intertwined with Dave’s, and he gives it a gentle squeeze. 

Dave squeezes his hand back but doesn’t say anything in response, and when Karkat tries to think of something to break the silence, nothing feels right. So they sit there for a moment, still except for Karkat’s hand and silent except for Dave’s unsteady breathing, and abruptly, like waking up, Karkat realizes that their faces have somehow gotten almost ridiculously close. 

And of course, because Karkat’s stupid bloodpusher can’t do anything but mix messages, it starts to freak out in a distinctly flush way, and Karkat closes his eyes before they can dart down to Dave’s lips. For another moment, everything remains still and silent, and then, from across the room, filtered through the metallic echo of the vents, comes what is unmistakably a quiet, dejected _honk_.

Karkat’s eyes fly open immediately, just in time to see Dave starting to pull away from him, but he quickly leans forward to follow him. “Don’t blow it now,” he frantically whispers, letting go of Dave’s hand to start papping him with both hands, just to really sell the whole thing, and Dave goes with it without a word.

There’s another _honk_ from the vent, then the sound of something scraping against metal, growing fainter and fainter until the room falls into silence once more. Karkat clears his throat louder than he means to and drops his hands back to his side, because it’s over now, right? Gamzee saw, so now he’ll leave Karkat alone, and everything will go back to normal and Karkat can just forget about whatever feelings he has for Dave. Right. Yeah. Perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: dave mentions how bro used to put on horror movies in the apartment when he was a kid as part of his "training" and how bro punished him for having nightmares rather than comforted him.
> 
> thanks for reading! the next chapter will be up on 1/22, provided school doesn't completely kick my ass, of course :-)


	6. Chapter 6

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  


TG: hey so  
TG: man this is going to sound pretty stupid but also i literally just woke up alone in a pile after presumably falling asleep in your arms or some shit  
TG: dont really remember if im being honest im still waking up  
TG: but the point is that stupid might be a moot point after that  
TG: have you heard from gamzee  
CG: NO.  
CG: HE WAS ONLINE FOR A BIT EARLIER, BUT I HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING FROM HIM.  
CG: I’M TAKING THAT AS A SIGN THAT THIS BATSHIT PLAN ACTUALLY WORKED?  
CG: THANK *FUCK.*  
TG: oh fuck yeah dude thats awesome  
CG: ALSO, SORRY FOR LEAVING YOU IN THE PILE.  
CG: I WOULD’VE STAYED, BUT I PROBABLY WOULD’VE ALSO FALLEN ASLEEP AND TEREZI NEVER WOULD HAVE LET US LIVE IT DOWN IF SHE SMELLED THAT.  
CG: I FIGURED IT WAS BETTER NOT TO WAKE YOU UP THOUGH.  
CG: YOU’RE EVEN MORE OF AN ASSHOLE THAN USUAL WHEN YOU’RE SLEEP-DEPRIVED.  
TG: okay youre one to talk there but  
TG: its no big deal  
TG: especially since like since the plan worked and everything i guess were like  
TG: done with that shit  
TG: question mark  
CG: YEAH, I GUESS SO.  
CG: THAT’S KIND OF WILD TO THINK ABOUT.  
TG: kinda yeah  
TG: i mean it was like what a few weeks  
TG: no offence dude but im not exactly going to miss getting a front row seat to your breath on the daily  
CG: “OKAY, YOU’RE ONE TO TALK THERE.”  
TG: shut up  
TG: okay well now that thats squared away or whatever im going the fuck back to sleep  
TG: hey wait you dont think gamzee would like  
TG: kill me in a jealous rage or anything right  
CG: UH.  
TG: holy shit dude are you seriously telling me that you never considered that  
TG: even after he clearly showed that he has no problems with casual murder  
CG: LOOK, CONSIDERING EVERY POSSIBLE CONTINGENCY WASN’T EXACTLY MY TOP PRIORITY.  
CG: I ASKED YOU TO BE MY FAKE MOIRAIL, DAVE, DO YOU REALLY THINK MY THINKPAN WAS OPERATING AT PEAK CAPACITY?  
TG: fair i guess but still  
TG: i mean i dont think getting offed by a jealous clown that doesnt actually have any reason to be jealous wouldnt be particularly just or heroic so im sure ill be fine  
TG: back to sleep i go  
CG: WAIT A MINUTE.  
TG: what  
CG: DO YOU WANT TO MEET UP IN CAN TOWN ONCE YOU WAKE UP?  
CG: NOT THAT I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU AND YOUR INSUFFERABLE PERSONALITY, BUT SHOCKINGLY, GAMZEE’S NOT AS STUPID AS HE LOOKS.  
CG: IT’D PROBABLY BE BEST TO VAGUELY UPHOLD THE IMAGE FOR A BIT.  
TG: yeah sounds good  
TG: ill let you know when i wake up or get resurrected or whatever happens  
CG: OKAY.  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  


*

Two weeks have passed. Two long, long weeks, and not even “long” in the way that all meteor weeks are long just because, y’know, being trapped on a meteor. Dave is… trying not to think about any actual reasons for why times seems to be passing so goddamn slowly, but it’s kind of an uphill battle when he has to face one of the reasons practically every day.

In fact, Dave’s facing him right now. Well. Not exactly _facing_ , since they’re just sitting side by side on the couch, but he’s in close proximity to Karkat, and that kind of seems like that’s all it takes to set him off these days.

Look. Again, he’s been trying not to think about it, but he can’t help it. He just… Dave misses cuddling with Karkat all the time, to put it as simply and stupidly as possible. It had been a good routine, and yeah, okay, maybe Rose wasn’t super far off with her diagnosis of him being touch-starved or whatever. And for all that Dave complained, Karkat was surprisingly nice to just - be close to.

He’s warm, not cool like the other trolls on the meteor, and his voice is a lot less scratchy and unpleasant when he’s not yelling halfway across a room. His sweaters are cozy and his hair is soft and it’s kind of driving Dave a little crazy that he’s _right there_ , just a few inches away, but abruptly out of reach.

But of course, all that’s basically stupid and means nothing. Okay, so Dave doesn’t get his daily dose of bro cuddles, he’s pretty sure he’ll survive. Or just finally cave and alchemize a body pillow - ironically SBaHJ-themed, of course, so Rose can’t give him too much shit for it. Because that’s all it is, after all, just missing the contact. It has nothing to do with Karkat himself, because that would be cliche, stupid, and gay, and Dave may be stupid, but that’s where he draws the line. 

“Dave?” Karkat says.

Dave does his best to hide the way he jumps at the sudden sound and looks over at Karkat. “What?”

“Are you even watching the movie?” 

Dave turns his gaze back towards the TV in front of them, which is playing _Cars._ Well. It’s almost _Cars_ , but some tiny glitch in Dave’s alchemization has made it so that Chick Hicks is permanently watermarking the lower left corner of the screen. It kind of enhances the experience, if he’s honest. Or at least, it enhanced the roughly twenty minutes of the experience that Dave paid attention to before zoning the fuck out pretty much the instant his eyes wandered over to the pile.

He doesn’t fuckin’ get why they keep watching movies in here, since the messy collection of pillows and blankets and whatnot is just a huge reminder yelling, “Hey, remember when you guys would snuggle and shit? Good times, huh?” He also doesn’t get why they haven’t taken it down, but that’s probably just a keeping-up-the-illusion thing. Definitely not an invitation to, like, use it again or something, like Dave’s idiot brain considers on occasion.

“Dave,” Karkat repeats. “Are you even watching the movie?”

“Uh, hell yeah,” Dave says. He watches the screen for a moment, trying to figure out what part they’re actually at. “Oh, yeah, I love this part.” 

“Right,” Karkat says, drawing the word out skeptically. “That’s why you’ve been mumbling under your breath for the past five minutes.”

Oh, shit. Well. At least Karkat probably didn’t hear anything, because Dave has a feeling that he’d be a lot less calm if he did. Not that there’s anything worth hearing, obviously, but you know. It’s the principle of the thing or some shit. 

“I’m quoting the lines, duh,” Dave says.

Karkat raises an eyebrow. “During an instrumental montage?” 

Dave groans. “Yeah, shut up,” he says, and then, before he can think about it - or anything else -, he flops to the side and drops his head onto Karkat’s shoulder with a performative yawn.

Karkat freezes. A sound leaves his mouth like he was going to say something before realizing that he didn’t know what he was going to say, and Dave thinks that he might be the biggest idiot in the world. What the fuck is he _doing_? He just did this not so internal monologue about how he’s fine with not getting to be up in Karkat’s shit all the time, and then his stupid brain just decides to put him right back in Karkat’s shit? 

Jesus Christ. He talks to Karkat about something adjacent to his emotions literally once, and now he’s acting like they’re _actually_ pale or something equally absurd because apparently, the self-control he spent pretty much his entire childhood developing has fucked off somewhere deep into paradox space. But it’s fine, it’s fine, he can just sit back up and watch the movie.

Before Dave can move away and make some excuse for going to jump off of the fucking meteor, though, Karkat’s arm wraps around his waist and holds him steady. Okay, what the fuck x2 combo achieved. 

They sit like that for a moment, Dave frozen and resolutely ignoring the not-even-worth-describing train of thought his brain is sending him on, Karkat idly skating his fingers back and forth across the fabric of Dave’s shirt. It’s not anything particularly new, it’s not even the closest they’ve been, but Dave’s heart is thudding in his chest in a way he thought he got over a while ago.

Why the fuck is Karkat just - going with it? Dave had honestly expected him to throw a shitfit the instant he realized what his idiot subconscious made him do, but … nothing. No yelling, no snarky comments, just a half-hug and a head tilted slightly down to rest on his own. God, this is so gay. 

But it’s nice in the exact way that Dave was missing, so - he’ll take it. He sits quietly and as still as possible, afraid that moving will somehow fuck everything up, and after a few minutes, as Lightning McQueen drives around or whatever is even happening in the movie, Karkat murmurs, “I can’t hear anything, do you think he’s still there?” 

“What?” Dave whispers back, before his brain can catch up with his mouth.

“Gamzee, idiot, do you think he’s still there?” Karkat says, his voice creeping just above a traditional “whispering” level. 

Oh. _Duh_. Karkat must have thought that Dave heard something and was being a good friend, helping Karkat keep an asshole ex away, and of course, Karkat’s just keeping up appearances. “Nah, I think we’re good,” Dave whispers, just as the silence starts to stretch a little too long and Karkat tenses up a bit.

Christ. How stupid can he get? At least Karkat doesn’t think he was just, like, voluntarily cuddling him or anything, but _still._

“Cool.” Karkat shifts - but then he doesn’t pull his arm away. 

Dave’s stomach does something he can’t name. It was sinking, weirdly and stupidly, at the reminder that Karkat wasn’t actually just holding him for the hell of it, but now it’s tight and anxious, and maybe meteor sickness isn’t actually fake as shit after all. 

Dave swallows down something just as unnameable as the feelings in his gut and blurts, “Uh, shit, hang on, I just remembered that I told Rose we’d play, uh, Monopoly tonight. Like right now. So I gotta go.”

“We’re in the middle of a fucking movie, bulgewipe,” Karkat says, gesturing towards the screen with his free hand. “Did you forget that you can literally be in two places at once if you need to?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Dave says, “but one, time travel actually kinda sucks, and two, being late to do something with Rose is, like the rookiest of rookie mistakes. So. See ya later?”

He slips out from under Karkat’s arm before Karkat can reply, lifting one hand in a wave before floating out of the room. He shuts the door behind himself because he’s not a complete dick, and because he kind of doesn’t want to see whatever face Karkat was pulling at him. 

Obviously, the Monopoly thing was nothing more than an elaborate ruse, but now that he thinks about, Rose… might actually be a helpful person right now. At the very least, she’ll get a kick out of analyzing whatever the hell it is that Dave’s feeling right now, and he’ll be able to complete his Emotional Vulnerability With Everyone on the Meteor Except for Gamzee speedrun. Yeah.

Dave doesn’t feel like going back to his room and having to consider the fact that he only has one pillow, since he dumped most of his on the pile and hasn’t bothered to alchemize more, so he finds one of the meteors many, many, dark, empty hallways, sits down, and opens Pesterchum.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


TG: yo  
TG: rose  
TG: guess what  
TG: pause for suspense and also to give you a chance to get here but im just going to assume youre having sloppy makeouts with kanaya or something equally romantic or whatever  
TG: anyway though im offering to talk about my feelings  
TG: free of charge  
TG: since these shits have apparently decided to just run rampant and ive gotta say im not a fan  
TG: and i mean its right in your handle that you supposedly know what youre doing so  
TG: this is a limited time offer though call now or miss your chance  
TG: clock is ticking  
TG: which i obviously know as a god of time  
TG: hey do you ever think about how its completely bullshit that were gods now but were also still like stupid teenagers  
TG: like what kinda deal is that  
TG: can i not just be forty and well adjusted now  
TG: well  
TG: actually no scratch that no pun intended  
TG: being forty does not seem like the move as the kids say  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: come on im sitting in a fuckin dark hallway for max emotional ambience or something  
TG: how are your armchair psychology senses not going absolutely batshit rn  
TG: rose  
TT: Dave.  
TT: I have to say, this is not what I expected to open my laptop to find.  
TG: what can i say im full of surprises  
TT: Sure.  
TT: So, are we going to discuss whatever that mess about your thoughts on aging was, or are these rampant feelings attributable to something else?  
TT: Also - and I may be getting ahead of myself with this one - exactly how much of a role did Karkat play in this?  
TG: ok first that wasnt a mess chill out  
TG: i was just thinking  
TG: but yeah no its something else  
TG: and look i know that you have like mystical powers of sight and whatever but can you pretend to be a little less smug  
TG: not that youre right i mean its not actually about karkat  
TG: im actually having some issues with my friend schmarkat  
TG: you wouldnt know him he goes to another school  
TT: Right.  
TT: So, what’s happening with Schmarkat?  
TG: jesus christ i can fuckin see the smug little notepad youre imagining yourself holding right now  
TT: Quite bold of you to assume that I’m not holding a notepad that’s already mostly filled with vague diagnoses for you.  
TT: Also, the aversion to the actual subject is both entertaining and intriguing, considering that you initiated this entire conversation by yourself.  
TG: yeah yeah  
TG: i was just getting into the zone im not just gonna drop everything right away  
TG: sit right down on the stupid couch thing  
TG: hey nice to see you  
TG: yeah no its been a busy couple of weeks haha  
TG: anyway so basically i agreed to pretend to alien date this guy that somehow became my best bro because hes one of the only viable options for hashtag sick hangs on a giant rock hurtling through space for a bunch of pretty wack reasons  
TG: just so he would stop getting harassed by his clown ex or whatever you know  
TG: and i mean its all cool and obviously fake because its not like im gay right  
TG: and were wearing socks the whole time so you know the heterosexuality attribute of this shit is basically airtight  
TG: so anyway we hung out and cuddled like every day for a while but thats only half of the alien dating thing  
TG: so like an idiot i just kinda went ham  
TG: well ham for me which is more like  
TG: i dunno some other kind of meat theres really no way for me to win here  
TG: anyway we ended up straight in the telling each other feelings zone but then the clown ex showed up  
TG: which meant that we could drop the ruse  
TG: which shouldve been like yes finally we can get back to just hanging out without hugging or whatever  
TG: but i was kinda like  
TG: disappointed  
TG: i guess is the word  
TG: and then today like we were watching a movie  
TG: literally like ten minutes ago  
TG: well more like twenty now i think  
TG: sixteen minutes and twenty-three seconds  
TG: doesnt matter  
TG: point is we were watching a movie and i was thinking about how maybe that shit you said about me being touch starved might not have been as bullshit as i said  
TG: so anyway my idiot subconscious forgot that karkat and i had moved on from the bro cuddling thing  
TG: fuck i mean schmarkat  
TG: so i kinda cuddled him and then he cuddled me back  
TG: which was wild but i guess kinda like  
TG: okay  
TG: but then he was like so do you think the clown is gone  
TG: because duh he was only putting up with my shit because he doesnt want his ex to figure out that we were just faking it  
TG: and thats when shit got really weird because i just got like  
TG: sad or something  
TG: so i left and now im here  
TG: see dumping all of that shit right off the bat would be an absolute amateur move  
TG: who would do something like that  
TG: everyone knows therapy is all about stumbling ass backwards into saying whatever it is that youre trying to say so you can step in as many freudian mines as possible  
TG: not that this is therapy jesus christ  
TG: but yeah  
TG: like i said  
TG: amateur move  
TT: Right.  
TT: No sense in getting right to the point of anything, is there?  
TG: absolutely not  
TG: but anyway whats your diagnosis  
TG: my running theory is meteor sickness  
TG: weve probably got all sorts of deficiencies at this point yk  
TT: While I’m sure you’re not wrong, I think all of this does have a more probable explanation.  
TT: I also think that you know that explanation and are just shying away from it.  
TG: why would i come talk to you about it then  
TG: clearly i have no clue whats going on  
TG: shit maybe its some weird troll mind control thing  
TT: I don’t think it’s some weird troll mind control thing, especially since, Vriska aside, none of the trolls with access to such power are traveling with us.  
TT: And I don’t think Vriska cares enough to fuck with you, frankly.  
TG: yeah fair  
TG: i guess terezi couldve put her up to it actually but i feel like theyd be less subtle  
TG: like if this was their fault thered be a fucking laugh track rn  
TG: not to be like sexist but godDAMN they sound like theyre at some stereotypical preteen sleepover like  
TG: literally always  
TT: You’re not wrong there.  
TT: You’re still avoiding the issue, though.  
TT: I think you’ve come here because you want someone to tell you that what you’re feeling is okay or “allowed.”  
TT: That’s indicative of a fair amount of things I’ve suspected for a while already, but we can take this one step at a time.  
TT: While your feelings are, of course, allowed, I don’t want your takeaway to be that I’m some sort of judge of that at any given moment.  
TG: ok i have a feeling that the next thing youre typing is some cheesy bullshit so im gonna stop you right there  
TG: something about my feelings being inherently “valid” or whatever right  
TT: And I thought I was the Seer.  
TG: haha  
TG: yeah okay  
TG: i was gonna get into how thats totally not what im doing  
TG: but i guess it sorta is so  
TG: damn  
TG: man whoever invented emotions was a fucking asshole  
TT: I can’t say I completely disagree with you there.  
TT: But then again, you can’t say that you entirely mean that, can you?  
TG: nah i guess not  
TG: im just coming up with some new hot topic tshirt slogans you know how it is  
TG: ok so my feelings are allowed thats cool  
TG: but i dont think i know what they are  
TT: Repression is a powerful thing.  
TT: Let’s start with this: do you like spending time with Karkat?  
TG: schmarkat  
TT: Right. Do you like spending time with Schmarkat?  
TG: pretty sure that counts as a leading question but  
TG: yeah  
TG: hes basically my best meteor bro  
TG: one of my best bros in general honestly  
TG: comin in for a tie with john almost  
TG: like sure hes shouty and kind of obnoxious but i can vibe with that  
TT: Okay.  
TT: And did you like pretending to be moirails with him?  
TG: it was cool  
TG: a little weird sometimes but when youre bros you just shrug that shit off you know  
TG: and okay i mean getting all cozy in the pile isnt like an unpleasant experience  
TG: we didnt do too much of the emotion sharing like i said  
TG: but it was cool when it happened  
TG: embarrassing and awkward as hell of course  
TG: but cool  
TT: I see.  
TT: So, if you were given the chance, would you fake-date him again?  
TG: yeah i dont see why not  
TG: like i said i was weirdly disappointed that it was over  
TG: hes just so much less shouty  
TG: well okay hes like two percent less shouty in the pile but hey thats a big difference for him  
TG: and hes not horrible to talk to  
TG: and his sweaters are comfy as shit  
TG: to lay on i mean  
TT: And if you were given the chance to actually be his moirail?  
TG: thatd be  
TG: well gay  
TG: but other than that cool  
TT: The casual homophobia is *really* appreciated, you know.  
TG: cmon no you know i dont mean it like that  
TG: look i know i have like  
TG: issues  
TG: whole fuckin magazine rack over here  
TG: but like if karkats gay and youre gay and basically everyone on this space rock is gay like good for yall  
TG: im just not  
TT: Okay, well, pretend you’re in some situation where that wouldn’t matter. Genderbend it or whatever it takes.  
TT: What then?  
TG: i mean  
TG: like i said thatd be cool  
TG: i dunno  
TG: i guess i dont know how much i actually get the quadrants though  
TG: like i understand them but i dont like GET them  
TG: i dont even know what feeling pale for someone would feel like  
TG: liking someone is just liking someone you know  
TG: like shit lets be emotionally vulnerable and even kiss sometimes isnt that a crazy concept  
TT: I’m not sure if you remember me telling you this, but that’s actually an apt description of Kanaya and I’s relationship.  
TT: She describes it as a mix of red and pale romance, and I think it works quite well.  
TG: thats pretty cool  
TT: How would you feel about something like that Karkat?  
TG: i  
TG: hm  
TG: i mean  
TG: yeah i could probably  
TG: deal with something like that  
TG: i dunno  
TG: hes probably too much of a freak about quadrants  
TT: You’d be surprised, I think.  
TT: But that’s another conversation.  
TT: Do you think that, maybe, being open to that sort of relationship might be indicative of some feelings?  
TG: …  
TG: …  
TG: huh  
TT: Huh, indeed.  
TG: well shit  
TG: i  
TG: i think i might want to date karkat vantas  
TG: thats kind of the worst sentence ive ever said  
TT: I can assure you that it’s not.  
TT: Also, I’m proud of you for figuring that out.  
TG: thanks i guess  
TG: well  
TG: huh  
TG: thats the word of the day now  
TG: huh  
TG: i guess this probably means i should reevaluate the whole  
TG: gay thing  
TG: the me not being gay thing i mean  
TT: Perhaps.  
TT: There’s no deadline to figure that sort of thing out, though.  
TT: You don’t need a label to feel what it is that you’re feeling.  
TG: damn your turn for the hot topic shirts i guess  
TG: fuckin pride edition  
TG: well  
TG: yeah thats probably something ill capital-f figure out later  
TG: just  
TG: still trying to process the fact that im fulfilling every romantic cliche here  
TT: Don’t be ridiculous. I haven’t seen one trail of roses yet.  
TG: SHIT  
TG: nah im just kidding thats obviously in the plans for later  
TG: gotta take this shit nice and slow  
TG: dont wanna spook him  
TT: Are you going to talk to him about this?  
TT: You’re on a, frankly, incredible streak of honesty right now.  
TG: hm  
TG: i mean i dont want to thats for sure  
TG: because even though im on the romantic cliche train here that doesnt mean that he is too  
TG: and i dont wanna like  
TG: make things weird  
TT: Even though they’re already pretty weird, from the sound of it?  
TG: okay yeah good point  
TG: well shit twist my leg or whatever  
TG: i guess ill try and talk to him at some point  
TG: maybe  
TT: Good.  
TT: I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he reciprocates your feelings.  
TG: wait what  
TT: Nothing. Just a hunch.  
TT: Now, I hate to break it to you, but I do have other things to do than act as a sounding board for your emotional revelations.  
TG: holy shit really  
TT: I know!  
TT: Keep me updated on how it goes when you do talk to him, though.  
TG: will do  
TG: have fun with kanaya or whatever it is youre doing  
TT: Will do.  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  


Dave puts his phone down and drops his head back against the wall. He’s pretty sure that this is how people feel after they run marathons; his heart is thudding in his chest but he feels - relieved, somehow. Mystery fuckin’ solved, he guesses, although he has a feeling that Rose was right when she said that he knew from the start. He did, in a way, it’s just that it’s a lot different to actually think it.

 _I think I might want to date Karkat Vantas._ Take out the “I think” and the “might” and there’s a piece of honesty blunter than anything Dave usually deals in, and well, fuck, he’s not going to be able to just sit on this one, is he? 

Yeah, no. That’s not happening. He should… talk to Karkat. That’s what you do, right? And then Karkat will tell him to fuck off, things will be awkward, but then they’ll eventually go back to normal and at least Dave will know. Yeah. 

Well, okay, maybe there’s a chance that that’s not what’ll happen. A small chance, but - Karkat _did_ put his arm around Dave without asking about Gamzee at the start back there. And he _did_ ask Dave to be his fake moirail, even when there were other options. So maybe he’ll tell Dave to fuck off gently, at least. It’s not like he’s going to feel the same or anything, that would be absurd, even if the thought makes Dave feel kind of like he’s been standing out in the Texas sun for a little too long.

Okay. Right. He’s going to find Karkat, and he’s going to confess his feelings to get it over with and ~~maybe because he wants to know if there’s even a tiny, tiny chance that Karkat reciprocates~~. After all, Rose said she had a hunch, which in Seer-speak probably actually means something, right? Or, you know, Dave could just apologize to Karkat for disappearing on him and then they can move on with their lives like nothing happened. Whichever. 

Dave takes a deep breath, captchalogues his phone, and heads down the hall, back towards the room where he and Karkat just were. Hopefully, Karkat is still there, watching _Cars_ or something.

As Dave nears the half-open door, though, he doesn’t hear the sound of _Cars_. Instead, he hears two voices: Karkat and Terezi. Huh. He lifts a couple of inches off of the ground and floats over to stand by the doorway. Sure, eavesdropping technically isn’t great, but he can’t help but be curious, especially since there’s a chance that they’re talking about him. 

“-fucking pathetic,” Karkat snaps, and Dave tries not to freak out. Okay, so there’s a good chance that they’re talking about him, probably. “Like, it was clearly fucking fake! I don’t know why the fuck it couldn’t just stay that way!” 

Dave feels a little bit like he just got thrown down a flight of stairs. Oh. Well.

He has no idea how the fuck Karkat _knows_ \- Terezi’s a Seer, so maybe something to do with that? Maybe Rose snitched because she thought Dave would never tell? Maybe Dave was just being crystal clear to literally everyone but himself, and Karkat’s been trying to let him down easy, oh, fuck. Dave resists the urge to swear at himself, because, you know, secrecy, but allows himself to sigh quietly. Honestly, he doesn’t know what he expected. For Karkat to jump into his arms just because he talked vaguely about his childhood once? For Karkat to be a fucking idiot that apparently can’t tell the difference between doing someone a favor and actually dating them? 

“No, Terezi, I don’t want to talk to him, what the bulgechafing fuck?” Karkat says - well, yells, more accurately. 

Terezi huffs. “But-”

“Nope, there’s not a fucking chance,” Karkat interrupts. “ _Fuck._ ” 

“Karkat,” Terezi starts, but Dave doesn’t hear whatever it is that she says. He’s already gone, flying back down the hall to his room and wondering what the fuck he expected. 

It doesn’t matter how Karkat found out, not really, not when that was his reaction. Fuck. Dave really should’ve known, how stupid can he get? He sort of gets a crush on an alien and expects said alien to just be right in the same boat with him, even though he’s an asshole and gets caught up on whether his crush is “gay” or whatever, and now Karkat doesn’t even want to _talk to him._ Fuck.

Dave reaches his room faster than he expected and collapses onto his bed with a sound that’s as far away from a sob as it gets, thank you very much. Karkat doesn’t want to talk to him? Fine. Dave just won’t talk to him either. He’ll stay right here until he gets over his stupid crush or until they reach the new session, whichever comes first, and everything will be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! the next (and last!) chapter will be up on 1/29!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've reached the end!! i just want to say a quick thank you to everyone that's read/commented/subscribed; this piece was different than my usual type of writing but it was fun to write and it was so nice to receive so much support!! <3

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


CG: HEY.  
CG: ASSUMING THAT ROSE DIDN’T KICK YOUR ASS SO HARD IN MONOPOLY THAT YOU DIED, WHERE ARE YOU?  
CG: AND ALSO ASSUMING THAT GAMZEE DIDN’T MURDER YOU OR ANYTHING, I GUESS.  
CG: PLEASE TELL ME THAT GAMZEE DIDN’T MURDER YOU.  
CG: …  
CG: THAT’S NOT EXACTLY REASSURING, STRIDER.  
CG: LOOK.  
CG: MURDERED OR NOT, MEET ME IN CAN TOWN.  
CG: BYE.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


*  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


CG: HEY. ASSHOLE.  
CG: WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU TODAY?  
CG: IF YOU WANTED TO FUCK OFF INTO THE METEOR BECAUSE YOU LOST MONOPOLY SO BADLY OR WHATEVER, YOU COULD’VE JUST SAID SO.  
CG: …  
CG: …  
CG: …  
CG: FINE!  
CG: COULD YOU AT LEAST LET ME KNOW THAT YOU DIDN’T GET MURDERED BY MY SHITHIVE MAGGOTS EX?  
CG: …  
CG: YEAH, I FIGURED THAT WAS TOO MUCH TO ASK.  
CG: TALK LATER THEN.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


*  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


CG: OKAY, STRIDER, YOU’VE GOT SOME FUCKING EXPLAINING TO DO.  
CG: I SAW THAT YOU WERE ONLINE, AND I SAW THAT YOU LEFT AS SOON AS I GOT ON.  
CG: IF I DID SOMETHING TO PISS YOU OFF OR WHATEVER, WILL YOU JUST FUCKING TELL ME?  
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’VE EVER MADE A HABIT OF SPARING MY FEELINGS BEFORE.  
CG: OR JUST KEEP SAYING NOTHING! WHATEVER!  
CG: THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW THAT YOU’RE OKAY, ASSWIPE!  
CG: GLAD TO KNOW YOU DIDN’T BECOME THE EIGHTY BAJILLIONTH MURDER VICTIM ON THIS STUPID FUCKING ROCK.  
CG: I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY THAT I DIDN’T SPEND THE LAST TWO DAYS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.  
CG: HELL, THE MAYOR WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.  
CG: HE’S GOING TO BE PRETTY DISAPPOINTED IF YOU NEVER HELP FINISH THE CAN TOWN TRAIN STATION.  
CG: BUT HEY, YOU CAN JUST KEEP BEING A JERK. NO SKIN OFF YOUR STUPID HUMAN BACK.  
CG: TALK LATER I GUESS.  
CG: DICK.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling [TG}  


*  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


CG: OKAY LISTEN.  
CG: UNLESS YOU TELL ME NOT TO RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, I’M COMING AND BREAKING INTO YOUR BLOCK.  
CG: EVERYONE’S WORRIED ABOUT YOU, AND APPARENTLY, I’M THE BEST FUCKING OPTION FOR A DIPLOMATIC MISSION! STUPID, RIGHT?  
CG: …  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: STILL DOING THE “NOT TALKING TO ANYONE” THING.  
CG: I’LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.  
CG: AND IF YOU EVEN *THINK* ABOUT TAKING THAT LITERALLY I WILL KILL YOU.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


Karkat slams his husktop shut and glares up at Rose and Kanaya. “Why did we nominate _me_ to do this again?” 

“Your calming presence,” Kanaya says dryly.

“Something like that,” Rose agrees. “I would go, but I have a hunch that whatever his problem is, it stems more from something that happened with you, since you were the last one he hung out with before doing … whatever it is that he’s doing.”

Karkat crosses his arms and elevates his expression from a glare to a full-blown scowl. Neither Rose nor Kanaya looks intimidated. “Wouldn’t that make me literally the worst person to go then? Also, wait, he said that you two were going to play Monopoly when he left, so I wouldn’t be the last one he hung out with!”

“If a resolution to the situation is the goal, then quite the opposite,” Rose says. “Also, we didn’t play Monopoly. We spoke briefly on Pesterchum, and I haven’t heard from him since.” 

“That fucking - goddamnit,” Karkat groans. “Why the fuck do I - nevermind.” 

“Why the fuck do you what?” Kanaya asks, looking up from the tangled mess that she has informed him is a “crochet project.” “Please, elaborate.” 

“Nothing,” Karkat snaps. “Look, I’ll just - fine. I’ll go deal with him. Whatever! But if he uses his god powers to fucking, I don’t know, smite me or something because I managed to make an ass of myself during some stupid wiggler’s movie, it’s on you.” 

Rose is giving him a look that say she knows _exactly_ what he was going to say. Fucking Seers. He’s sure Terezi went and blabbed about his stupid crush immediately after he told her about it anyway, but it’s not like it matters when Dave has evidently decided to hate him.

Honestly, Karkat doesn’t even know why he’s pretending that he doesn’t know what happened. He was the one that, for some stupid, stupid reason, decided to keep holding onto Dave even after Dave clearly said that Gamzee was gone. Dave was going out of his way to be a good friend and help keep Karkat from getting harrassed 24/7, and Karkat’s shit idiot thinkpan just decided that it would be the perfect time to act on his stupid, quadrant-blurring feelings in the most vague yet somehow still blatantly obvious way possible. Fuck, if their positions were switched, Karkat would probably be pissed at him too. How stupid can you get?

But they’re still friends, or at least, Karkat is pretty sure that they’re still friends, and friends don’t let friends sit and fester, alone and possibly temporarily clown-murdered, in their rooms for days at a time. (And if Dave happens to need some sort of comforting or pacification that happens to be right out of every pale romcom, well, it’s not like Karkat’s going to _complain._ ) So Karkat checks Trollian one more time to be sure that Dave hasn’t said anything - he hasn’t - and heads down to Dave’s block. 

Because Karkat wasn’t raised in the caverns, he knocks. Unsurprisingly, there’s no answer.

“Dave?” he calls. “Open the door. This is officially an intervention or some shit.” 

Again - no answer. Karkat tries the door handle, but of course, it’s locked. 

“Dave,” Karkat repeats. “Open the fucking door.” 

Still no answer. Well, fine. Karkat warned him, so he tries not to feel too bad as he decaptchalogues a spare chair that he packed in his sylladex just in case and brings it down against the door. It doesn’t do any damage to the door, but - 

“Dude, what the fuck was that?” 

Oh, thank _fuck._ Karkat tries not to think too hard about how relieved he is at just the sound of Dave’s voice, a little scratchy but familiar, and brings the chair down against the door again. 

“Jesus Christ,” Dave mutters, and then the door swings open. Dave is standing just inside, looking - the same as always, strangely, if not a little more annoyed. “Were you seriously trying to break my door down with a fucking chair?” 

“It’s not like you gave me a lot of options,” Karkat snaps. 

“You could’ve just, I don’t know, taken the hint and left me alone,” Dave suggests. “Look, I’m not dead, I’m fine, so if you could just leave, that’d be great.” 

Karkat carefully lowers the chair to the floor and sits down in it, folding his arms. Sure, Dave looks the same as always, but he sounds… different. And not particularly great. “I’ll leave once you tell me what’s wrong,” he says. 

Dave stiffens visibly. Karkat can’t see his eyes because of his stupid fucking shades, but he has a feeling that he’s being glared at. “Shit, dude, I dunno,” Dave snaps, “isn’t that kinda pale? I’d hate for you to think I’m getting the wrong idea here or something.”  
“What?” Karkat says. “I mean. Fuck, that wsn’t supposed to be, like - what the fuck do you mean?”

“Jesus Christ, just - don’t play dumb,” Dave says. “It’s not like you’ve been subtle.” He leans back against the doorway and sighs, and Karkat’s bloodpusher skips a beat. Is Dave saying that he… _knows_ , somehow? Fuck. Fuck, he totally fucking knows, after the bullshit Karkat pulled with trying to get pale with him after Gamzee was gone - _and even now, idiot_ , his mind reminds him. _Fuck._

Karkat forces himself to not start genuinely shouting, since he has a feeling that that would send Dave running back into his room for god knows how long, and grits out, “First off, shut up, and second off, what the hell do you think you know and how the hell do you know it?” 

“I heard you and Terezi talking the other night,” Dave says, leaning his head back against the doorway and staring up at the ceiling, and Karkat - well, okay, his first instinct is to start figuring out if there’s a way for him to exist on the meteor without interacting with anyone ever again. He could probably manage if he got an alchemizer into his block, and then he could just wait out the two years or however much they have left to go without ever having to deal with the bulge-crushing humiliation of seeing anyone ever again, because fuck, Dave _knows._ “Look, I don’t - clearly, you don’t want to be around me, so-”

“Wait, wait, wait, what?” Karkat interrupts, holding his hands up. “What?”

Slowly, Dave turns his head to look Karkat. “What do you mean, what?” he says. “I heard all that shit you were saying, about me being, and I quote, ‘fucking pathetic’ for not being able to, like, y’know, keep shit straight or whatever, I don’t get what you want me to clarify here.” 

Karkat is pretty sure that his thinkpan has officially started malfunctioning. Each word out of Dave’s mouth is starting to feel like an individual train smashing into him from all angles, and because he’s, surprise, surprise, an _idiot_ , he’s already trying to pull some wish-fulfilling solution out of the wreckage. “Uh,” he says. “Okay, I’m not going to bullshit you right now, I think we might be on different pages.”

“No, shit, really?” Dave says. He laughs once, but there’s no humor in it. “Dude, it’s a little late to, like, let me down easy or anything.” 

“That’s not what I’m - what the fuck?” Karkat says. His bloodpusher is working overtime, and he thinks he’s going to implode if he doesn’t figure out what the fuck Dave is saying basically yesterday. “No, what the fuck, I … okay. Okay. Don’t take this the wrong way, but this is starting to seem like a conversation for a pile.” 

Dave’s going to turn him down. Obviously. But because Karkat is stupid and optimistic and the things that Dave is saying are really starting to make less and more sense at the same time, he asks anyway, then waits, half-holding his breath.

Dave is silent for what feels like two full minutes. Finally, he turns his head back towards the ceiling and mutters, “Yeah, okay. Just not where the clown can see it.” 

“Okay,” Karkat says. He feels more than a little bit like he’s walking out into an Imperial training minefield, no idea where to step or even where he is, but he pushes forward anyway. “Okay, well, my block doesn’t have vents, so we could go there. Most of my shit’s in, uh, the other room, but -”

“Dude, I’m not worried about the, like, structural integrity of the goddamn pile,” Dave says. “Let’s just go before I realize how monumentally stupid of an idea this is.” 

Karkat rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything else as he captchalogues the chair and starts heading down the hall to his block. He has absolutely no idea what he’s doing or what’s going on, but he is going to figure it the fuck out. 

Dave doesn’t say anything either, just trails silently behind Karkat until Karkat opens the door to his block. 

“Nice place,” Dave says dryly. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Karkat replies. He kicks a stray sock lying on the floor under the dresser, then opens his closet and starts pulling sweaters from their hangers and tossing them onto the floor. “Just - shove this into something that at least vaguely resembles a pile, if you can handle that much?” 

Dave just stares at him for a moment, but to Karkat’s surprise, he doesn’t say anything stupid/somehow endearing as he crouches down and pushes the sweaters together. “That suit your standards?” he says, after a moment.

Karkat grabs a few pairs of sweatpants from the closet and tosses them on as well, then nods. “It’s not ideal, but it’s fine. C’mon.” 

He sits down in the pile and gestures for Dave to join him. Again, Dave just - watches him, for a beat, but then he drops down like he’s done it a million times. And, in a way, he has. 

This time, though, Dave doesn’t toss an arm over Karkat’s shoulder or loosely tangle their hands together, but that’s … fine. Probably for the best, if Karkat wants to keep his brain on the “Figuring Out What The Fuck Is Happening” track instead of the “Fuck, Why Is This Stupid Human So Cute” track. 

“Okay,” Karkat says. “Fuck. What the fuck is going on?”

“You tell me,” Dave says. His shades are directed right at Karkat for once, but his face remains as unreadable as ever. “I heard you talking about how stupid I am, basically, so I figured I’d do you a favor and stay out of your way for a bit, but then you came and nearly busted down my goddamn door with a chair and now we’re here, so - I’ll admit, I’m a little confused.”

“I wasn’t - fuck,” Karkat groans. The pieces are starting to come together, and while the end picture seems promising, the path there seems … well, less than ideal. “Okay, no, I wasn’t talking about how stupid you were.”

Dave arches an eyebrow. “What the fuck were you talking about then? And don’t say it wasn’t about me, because I heard you say my name.”

“No, I mean, fuck, I was talking about you, but I was calling _myself_ stupid, not you,” Karkat confesses, then pauses. “How much did you hear?”

“Not too much,” Dave admits. “I mean, obviously, since I apparently missed the whole, y’know, point. But I don’t - you said you didn’t want to talk to me.”

“Yeah, about my - about what we were talking about,” Karkat says, like there’s any chance left that Dave hasn’t figured it out yet. Fuck. The only thing keeping him tethered to his spot on the floor are the few pieces that haven’t quite slotted into place yet, the ‘not being able to keep shit straight’ and the ‘let me down easy’ and the fact that, somehow, Dave agreed to sit here with him right now. 

“What you were talking about,” Dave repeats. “Which was, uh. What?”

Karkat’s face flushes. “Just - stupid shit,” he says.

“Stupid shit,” Dave repeats again.

“Yes, stupid shit!” Karkat says. “Is there a fucking echo in here?”

“Chill, dude,” Dave says. “I’m not going to, like, judge you for whatever it is.”

Karkat shoots him a glance out of the corner of his eye. Dave is still facing him, somehow so close that Karkat can almost make out his eyes through the tinted lenses of his shades. 

“Fine,” Karkat mutters. He takes a deep breath, reminds himself of everything Dave’s said in the past ten minutes that still makes no sense, and says, “I kind of, like, have a crush on you. I know it’s fucking stupid or whatever, and if you want me to just take my idiot thinkpan and go hang out on the other side of the meteor, I get it.” 

Despite all of the evidence pointing towards something that Karkat won’t let himself name, he’s still surprised when Dave doesn’t immediately demand that that he do just that. Instead, Dave just asks, quietly, “What, like, quadrant?” 

Well. Leave him to get right to the point, fuck. “Uh,” Karkat says, “well, quadrants. I can’t fucking figure out whether it’s pale or flushed, but I think it might just be both? Which is stupid and not really a thing, but-”

“Hang on,” Dave says suddenly. “Shit, sorry, I know you’re doing this whole, like, thing, and trust me, I’m not judging you about the quadrant shit or the, you know, I just-”He falls silent for a moment, and then something small flutters out of his sylladex and into his outstretched hand. “Fuck yeah, okay, here you go.” 

He holds the object out to Karkat with a hesitant but somehow still shit-eating grin. Karkat takes it carefully. “Uh,” he says, “what the fuck is this?” 

“An Uno reverse card,” Dave says, like that’s a coherent phrase that means something, and like Karkat didn’t just, you know, confess a crush on and to him.

Karkat looks down at the thing he’s holding - it is in fact a playing card, bright yellow with white arrows forming a circle in the center. “Okay, what the fuck is Uno? And why the fuck did you give this to me?”

“Hold the fuck up, you don’t know what Uno is? Shit. Uh, it’s this card game, basically, but that’s not important.”

“So you gave me this because…?”

“Because it’s a reverse card,” Dave says, “so it’s, like, haha, right back at you, bro, but, uh. Genuinely. Right back at you. About the crush thing, like, the having one thing? And it fucking up all sorts of quadrant boundaries, like, get the hell out of here, boxes, y’know?” 

“Like…” Karkat tugs his gaze away from the card and looks back up at Dave. “So you’re saying you, like. We. Me?”

“You,” Dave confirms, laughing a little. “Uh. For some fucking reason? Although the Uno thing might make me reconsider.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Karkat says, pushing the card back into Dave’s hand. “You idiot, I can’t believe you tried to confess your crush with a _playing card._ ”

Dave puts the card back in his sylladex with a shrug and a soft, half-embarrassed smile. “I mean, it worked, didn’t it?” 

“I guess,” Karkat admits begrudgingly, rolling his eyes like that’ll do anything to disguise the bright red flush of his cheeks or the fact that he’s this close to grinning like an idiot wiggler. _Dave likes him too_ , Dave is in the same quadrant mess as he is, and maybe, for the first time in Karkat’s life, the best case scenario is the one happening. “Uh, so, you can tell me to shut up or whatever, but is this - do you want to like… date?”

“Thought you’d never ask,” Dave says, and then his hand is sliding into Karkat’s like it’s the easiest thing in the world. He gives it a gentle squeeze, and Karkat is pretty sure that he’s tripped and fallen into every one of his favorite romance novels. “I mean, like, if that’s cool.”

“Since you’re involved, I don’t think cool’s the word,” Karkat says, but he squeezes Dave’s hand back. Being able to just… do that feels amazing, feels like something he’s been waiting to do for longer than he thought. “I think I’ll survive anyway, though.” 

“Fuck yeah,” Dave says. He’s quiet for a moment, then, abruptly, he says, “Wait, wait, shit. I just realized something.”

Karkat’s bloodpusher trips up a little, of course, it was too good to be true, he got this for a _second_ but now - he forces himself to take a deep breath. “What?”

“I’m not wearing socks,” Dave stage whispers. 

Karkat is confused for a split second before he remembers. “So this is… human gay?” 

“Human gay as it gets,” Dave says, laughing a little, “which is - that’s kinda weird, I guess? But I guess the quadrant stuff is probably like troll gay, if that was a thing. Well, okay, I mean, it’s already a thing, since y’all apparently just date whoever, but, like, the equivalent of gay would be -”

“Hey, Dave?” Karkat interrupts, as gently as his voice gets.

Dave stops. “Yeah?” 

“Shut up, dingus.” 

Dave’s face opens up into a wide smile. “Oh, shit, are we throwing another quadrant into this clusterfuck?”

And suddenly, like he just can’t stand to _not_ anymore, Karkat leans in and kisses him, softly, his free hand reaching up to cup Dave’s cheek. Dave freezes for half a moment before kissing back, relaxing into Karkat’s touch, and Karkat is struck by the realization that he would stay here forever, if he could. 

They break apart eventually, though, and Karkat wraps his arms around Dave and pulls him into a hug easily. Whatever this is, exactly - they’ll figure it out. They’ve got plenty of time, and there’s not a vent in sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so so much for reading!!


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